Colorado Family Solutions Center

School is Out!

2009-05-27T14:35:00.002-06:00

I can't believe that school is out, or almost out, already! Where does the time go? While difficult parenting issues don't take a break for the summer, I do. Starting June 10, however, I will try very hard to post every other Wednesday throughout the summer. In September, I will be back every Wednesday with new posts about the good, the bad, and the ugly of parenting during and after divorce.

HAPPY SUMMER! ENJOY THE KIDS WHILE YOU CAN!

Overheard Conversations Entangle Children in Divorce Conflict

2009-05-13T15:09:00.001-06:00

Children become entangled in their parents' divorce before the parents even know it. Long before the parents even know divorce is a serious possibility, the children know that there are problems, and often what the problems are.

Parents believe they are being discreet by waiting until the children are out of the room or otherwise occupied to discuss their marital problems with their friends. They believe the children are shielded when they wait until the kids go to bed to have that "discussion" or argument.

Unless the children are out of house, there is no such thing as their being out of earshot. Even children who don't hear you when you ask them to set the table, seem to hear private conversations at the other end of the house and are able to repeat large portions of the overheard information with great accuracy.

Unfortunately, when children overhear private conversations by or between parents, they are often left to interpret the information alone. They know that they were not meant to hear the conversation so they don't feel like they can go to their parents to talk about it. Without really understanding everything they hear, they begin to create their own versions of what's really happening between their parents and to their family. If you've ever played the children's game "telephone" you know just how mixed up messages can get over time and distance.

For the most part, parents try to be careful about exposing the children to their conflict. Many parents swear that, while the children are probably aware that the parents are upset with each other, they do not know or understand the specific arguments or discussions. The truth is, however, that most parents would be truly surprised at what their children know (or think they know) about the parents' marital problems. And they would be shocked at the turmoil and burden the children feel over having this information.

To assure that your children are not entangled in your divorce, please keep all conversations or arguments about finances, extramarital affairs, divorce or the possibility of divorce far away from the children. Don't just wait until you think they're asleep or in the other room; take these conversations out of the children's earshot completely. To minimize involving your children in your conflict, you can:

• set up a time for the children to be with a babysitter while the parents go somewhere else to talk
• arrange for the children to go to a friend's or a relative's house so you can talk freely
• limit your communications to email if the children are around
• talk on the phone about divorce-related issues only when the children are not in the same house, car, or other physical location with you

Words matter. Please shield your children from overhearing divorce-related conversations not meant for them.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Dealing with the legal system in divorce - Enforcement

2009-05-06T14:44:00.002-06:00

Parenting plans become orders of the court when the court adopts a plan agreed to by the parents or makes its own plan after a hearing or trial. After an order is in place, however, many parents agree to modify the plan without incident. When parents do agree on changes to the plan from time to time, the best practice is for any changes to be put in writing and signed by both parties so there is no question in the future about what the new agreement is.

Sometimes, after a parenting plan is adopted or ordered by the court, one or both parents stop following the plan. What happens if one parent changes the original plan without the other's agreement? How can you enforce those original orders?

Courts enforce their orders through contempt of court proceedings. Although the exact procedure for seeking enforcement through contempt varies from state to state, the procedure that follows gives you a general picture of the process.

A parent wanting to enforce parenting plan or support orders would file a motion asking the court to issue a contempt citation to the parent who is not following the orders. The motion should provide information about the date of the order, the provision(s) not being followed, and specifics about how and when the other parent disobeyed the order. Some courts or state judicial departments provide check-box and fill-in-the-blank forms for this. If the court finds that there is sufficient information in the motion to show probable cause that the orders have been disobeyed, it will issue a citation to the other parent to appear in court and show cause why he or she should not be found in contempt.

Because one of the possible penalties for being in contempt of court is jail, these proceedings are quasi-criminal in nature. This means that many of the rights defendants have in criminal actions are also given to parents in contempt proceedings. These rights include the right to have an attorney present, to have an attorney appointed by the court if the person cannot afford one, the right to a trial, and the right to confront witnesses.

The elements that have to be proven for the court to find someone in contempt of court are: 1) that there is a valid court order; 2) that the person knew of the court order; 3) that the person did not comply with the court order; 4) and that the person had the ability to comply with the court order, but did not.

The reality is that courts rarely send someone to jail immediately even if the person is found to be in contempt. Because the goal of the whole process is really to get the other person's compliance with the court orders, most courts will order other remedial measures such as make-up parenting time or payment of a portion of the past-due child support before they will resort to jail. Ultimately, however, it is entirely up to the court to decide what the punishment will be for someone found to be in contempt.

The contempt process can be long and frustrating for someone who just wants the original orders to be followed. If you can find other ways to work with the noncompliant parent to encourage their following the court's original orders, you will likely find the end result to be more satisfying than going through the contempt process.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Dealing With the Legal System in Divorce - Evaluators

2009-04-29T10:41:00.002-06:00

When parents aren't able to reach an agreement about parenting issues during or after a divorce, the court will often appoint one or more evaluators to do an investigation and make recommendations to the court.

The kind of evaluator appointed will depend on the issues the court is being asked to decide and the allegations that have been made against one or both of the parents. The background, education, and training of these evaluators generally depend upon state laws, court rules, or special directives governing the appointments. For the most part, these evaluations will be done by mental health professionals, attorneys, or lay people who have been specially trained in child development, family systems, and domestic violence. The actual term for the evaluator varies from state to state and region to region. Some common terms are custody evaluator, parenting evaluator, parental responsibilities evaluator, special advocate, child and family investigator, and parenting time evaluator.

During the course of the evaluation, the evaluator spends a great deal of time with the family and has access to information from schools, therapists, and other people who know the family. Because evaluators have such a wealth of information from so many sources, they can have a great deal of influence with the court. The evaluator reports the results of the investigation, draws conclusions from the information, and makes parenting recommendations to the court.

Because the evaluator has influence with the court, the appointment of an evaluator can be intimidating. But don't let yourself become defensive if an evaluator is appointed. The best thing you can do is to provide the evaluator with all the information s/he needs to provide the court with a reasoned, unbiased, and well-informed report and recommendations.

The evaluator's focus is on what is in the best interests of the children. Most states have specific criteria for a "best interests" analysis. The evaluator is more likely to have a favorable view of you and your relationship with the children if your focus is more on the children than on yourself or the other parent. Too many parents diminish their focus on the children by allowing their anger with each other to dominate the evaluation process.

Talk to the evaluator about each of the children; their strengths and weaknesses, their joys and fears, their favorite subjects in school and their worst. Talk to the evaluator about yourself; your strengths and weaknesses, and your joys and fears. If there have been problems with your parenting in the past, if you haven't been as involved with the children over the years as you now wish you had been, tell the evaluator and talk about what you would do differently now. Only after you have talked about the children and yourself, should you then talk about the other parent, including their strengths as well as their weaknesses.

Part of the evaluation process usually includes an opportunity for the evaluator to meet with each parent and the children together to observe their interaction. Often the evaluator will provide an activity for you and the children to do together while the evaluator observes, but be prepared with an activity for you and children to do during the observation should the evaluator have a more unstructured style. Observing you and the children playing a game, building something, or working a puzzle together gives the evaluator information about your parenting style, the bond between you and children, and what effect, if any, the conflict between the parents has on your relationship with the children.

If you are unable to resolve parenting issues without a contested court hearing an evaluator will likely be appointed to assist the court in making orders concerning custody or parental responsibilities. During the evaluation process, if you keep the focus on the children, rather than on the conflict between parents, you will help the evaluator make positive recommendations about you and your parenting abilities.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Dealing with the Legal System in Divorce - Attorneys

2009-04-16T15:15:00.002-06:00

With attorneys and divorce, it's not all or nothing. Attorneys can help you in several capacities, providing as little or as much assistance as you want.

One-time consultation. Prior to or during your divorce, you can consult an attorney on a one-time basis to ask for advice about:

• the divorce laws in your area and how they might be applied in your case
• specific issues important for you to be aware of and how they might best be addressed
• whether an agreement you are considering is complete and best for you and/or the children

You will pay the attorney just for the time s/he spends meeting with you and/or reviewing any documents you've brought or asked to have reviewed before or after the meeting.

Off-and-on consultation. You can consult with an attorney on a pay-as-you-go basis throughout your divorce process for advice about:

• the process, the paperwork, and the basic laws
• specific property and debt, parenting, and support issues
• how to handle yourself in court, what kind of evidence you will need for court and how best to present it.

Most attorneys are happy to help you with your on-going questions, and paying for the meetings as you go helps you keep your costs down while still allowing you to feel confident that you're not in this entirely alone.

Full-time representation. You can hire an attorney to represent you throughout your divorce. When you retain an attorney for full representation, the attorney:

• deals directly with the court on your behalf
• communicates and negotiates with your spouse, or with your spouse's attorney if there is one
• manages your case and prepares all documents and agreements for a final resolution

Most attorneys will ask for payment of a certain amount up front that they will use as a retainer to be billed against as the case proceeds. Attorneys generally have an hourly rate and bill in portions of an hour for everything they do, including talking to you on the telephone or by email.

Whether you consult with an attorney from time to time or decide to retain an attorney to represent you in your divorce, ultimately you are in control of your case. An attorney can help you in many ways, but you must make the final decisions towards your final outcome.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Dealing With the Legal System in Divorce - The Courts

2009-04-09T14:16:00.003-06:00

The court is often the first thing people think about when they consider divorce or separation. For some, having the court involved in making decisions for their family is the last thing they want. Others hope the court will become deeply involved and make specific orders in their case.

If you bring a divorce or parenting case to the court, it will eventually enter a decree ending the marriage or granting a legal separation. Whether the court also makes orders regarding property and debt division, parenting, and support depends upon you.

If the two parties are able to reach an agreement that resolves the issues in their divorce or separation, the court will generally adopt that agreement as an order and will enter the decree without any further involvement. Even if the agreement resolves the issues in ways that the court cannot or would not, the court will usually approve the agreement as long as it is fair and is in the best interests of the children.

Courts are reporting a large increase in the number of family cases being filed without attorneys. Many courts have forms available at little or no cost for people without attorneys to be able to file the necessary court documents for their family case. There are often also complete instructions available to help you fill out the forms correctly. To look for free or low cost forms in your area, call the court clerk in your county or search the internet for "family court forms your state." If you stick to sites that are official government or court sites, you are likely to find official forms.

Because of huge caseloads, courts often require the parties to a divorce or separation to attend mediation before the court will allow the parties to schedule a contested hearing. Even parties who think mediation would be a waste of time are often surprised to find that they can agree on some or all of the issues when they are forced to sit down with a neutral third person who can help the parties break down the issues and deal with them one piece at a time.

If you do end up in a court hearing, it's important to keep in mind that the court has only a limited amount of time to devote to each case before it. Be prepared and be organized about you want to present to the court. You can help the court help you by presenting your case clearly and without anger. If you feel the other side is a scoundrel, give the court specifics and then trust the judge to "get it". If you know the other side will tell the court something bad about you, you might want to consult with an attorney about whether you should consider telling the court yourself. Your honesty and forthrightness might make the issue seem less important to the court.

Finally, when you are trying to navigate the courts on your own, be nice to the clerks and court personnel. These are the people who can help you the most. They are often overworked and underpaid. Smile at them when you are asking for their help and thank them when they give it. These courtesies can help you have a successful and positive court experience.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Parenting Plans That Work - It's All In the Details

2009-04-02T12:25:00.003-06:00

It's impossible to draft a parenting plan that covers all the details that arise when raising children. At some point, you just want to get the major things down and be done with it. Most parenting plans cover regular parenting time and holidays. Here are three smaller details many parenting plans don't address, but should:

Haircuts & Piercings

It might seem a bit mundane to include details in your parenting plan about when, where, and how the children will get their hair cut. But these are details that can cause increased conflict in a family. When the children are very young, haircuts are day to day decisions that don't really merit much attention in your parenting plan. And body piercing is not even on the radar! As the children get older and start to express their independence, however, hair and body piercing can become major issues between parents, and between children and parents. It is worth including a general statement in your parenting plan about a shared philosophy regarding the children's independence in general and the expression of that independence through their hair and body. You can include in your parenting plan a general statement that you understand these issues might arise in the future and how you intend to address them when they do.

Emergency Room or Hospitalization

How and when should the other parent be notified when a child goes to the emergency room, is hospitalized, or has a serious medical issue? This can especially be an issue when parents don't live near each other and/or parenting time with one parent is infrequent. I had a case where a child was hospitalized after a serious traffic accident and the out-of-state parent was not notified at the time. In fact, the parent did not learn of the incident at all until several months later when one of the other children mentioned it. This situation was full of missed opportunities for the child and the parents; opportunities for the parent to show the child how much s/he means to the parent, and opportunities for the child to bond with the parent and experience the parent's genuine love and concern. Whether or not your parenting plan provides for shared/joint parenting, the plan should assure that each parent is notified if a child is hospitalized or has a serious medical issue.

Driving

Hard as it might be to imagine that your young children will one day be driving, time does march on and the children do grow up. Unless your children are already close to driving age when you are preparing your parenting plan, you don't need to put all the details about driving in the plan. But you should discuss driving when you're preparing your plan and include some general agreements about the issue. Will you share the cost of driver's education? Will you expect the child to contribute toward that cost? Will driving depend on grades or any other criteria? Even if you choose not to address these issues in your original plan, you might include a statement as to your thoughts on driving and how you will address driving-related issues in the future.

During a divorce or separation, working together on a comprehensive parenting plan seems daunting and uncomfortable. If you take the time in the beginning, however, to give some serious thought and discussion to future parenting issues, you and your children will all benefit.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Shared Parenting After Divorce - Sharing Clothes, Toys and Information

2009-03-18T16:06:00.001-06:00

As you are preparing your parenting plan, it is very helpful if you include some details about how you will share clothes, toys, and information for the children as they transition from one house to the other. This is usually something that parents think will just happen automatically, without any particular discussion, but it often doesn't. By taking a little time to discuss these issues and plan for them during the initial process, you can avoid disagreement and conflict down the road.

Clothes

Regardless of how much time the children are with each parent, it is very helpful if each parent keeps clothes for the children in their own house. As you are separating property in the beginning, include children's clothes for each household. How many outfits each household needs will depend on the parenting schedule you are thinking about. Even if you aren't sure of the schedule as you are initially dividing property, try to allow for at least three outfits for each household, if possible.

If the children's wardrobe is not big enough to be able to set aside clothes for each household, divide the clothes you do have and then each parent can shop for more new or used clothes for their respective household. This system works well for the children because it allows them to have familiar clothes at each house, making them feel more at home in each place.

When the parents have clothes for the children at their own houses, they are much more aware of the children's growing needs. Both parents will know when the children outgrow their clothes and shoes and can replace them accordingly. This awareness can help avoid arguments over child support and the cost of clothes.

Having clothes in each household also helps avoid arguments over clothes not being returned or being returned dirty. How exactly the clothes will be handled for each transition will depend upon the days and times of the exchange.

Toys

After separation and divorce, children often complain that there is nothing much to do at the house where they spend less time. When the children's time is spent fairly evenly at each house, the parents seem to do a better job of providing toys, books, toiletries, and incidentals for the children. As children's time at one house becomes significantly less than 50/50, the parent with less time sometimes overlooks the importance of keeping these everyday items for the children.

Everyone likes to have familiar things around. For children this is especially important to their sense of belonging and comfort. Whether the children are in your home half the time or only a few days a month, keeping toys, games and other things for them will help them feel at home. If you're not sure what they'd like, try making an activity out of gathering these things together. Thrift stores can be great places for these "treasure hunts".

Information

There are many ways people exchange information about the children after separation. The fact that you give some thought and discussion to this issue is more important than the actual methods you decide work best for you.

Before email, blogs, and the internet were prevalent, parents would often include a notebook in the children's backpack or suitcase to transport back and forth between houses. Although this is better than having no way to share information it is not preferred. Communication between parents should not be the children's responsibility. Even though the children are not actually the messengers between parents with the use of a notebook, they still bear the burden of being the delivery person.

The old notebook idea can be updated to take advantage of today's technology. The parents can share information about what's going on with the children and school without giving the children the responsibility of carrying the information back and forth.

Consider scheduling regular email exchanges to share information about the children, school, and activities. To keep email from becoming intrusive, talk about the schedule that will work best for you and try to stick to that schedule. You can use text messaging instead of email, but people sometimes have a harder time setting limits for themselves using text messaging than using email.

You might also consider using a private blog to keep a running dialogue about the children. Several blog sites are free and easy to set up. You can set up the blog to be private so only you parents have access to read and author the blog. This is like the notebook in the backpack, but the parents are fully responsible for keeping track of the blog, relieving the children of that extra burden.

Including in your parenting plan how you will share clothes, toys, and information after separation will help ease the children's fears and concerns as they move between homes. They will appreciate the thought you put into this and will love not having to lug a backpack or suitcase with them.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Navigating the Troubled Waters of Parenting Time Exchanges after Divorce

2009-03-04T15:49:00.002-07:00

The waters around exchanging the children for parenting time can be muddy and turbulent. When parents are able to navigate these waters successfully, the children thrive and learn valuable lessons about handling difficult situations.

Parents who are able to focus on what's best for the children find ways to facilitate parenting time exchanges cordially. Ideally, whichever parent is receiving the children, at the beginning or end of parenting time, is able to come to the front door of the other parent's home to pick up the children and their things.

When the parents maintain a friendly, or at least civil, relationship with each other, they approach these parenting time exchanges as they would with a friend or co-worker. They ring the doorbell or knock, wait for the door to be answered, only enter the house if invited, and limit conversation to noncontroversial subjects. The exchanges will happen without drama and the children will benefit.

When the parents are not able to keep their conflict away from the children during parenting exchanges, it is best for exchanges occur without parent contact. For these parents, it will often work for the exchanges to take place at school or daycare as much as possible. Your parenting plan might say: Parenting time will begin on ____ afternoon with pick-up from school or daycare, and will end on ____ when the children are dropped off at school or daycare. A specific time or range of times can be added if necessary. These times are natural breaks in the children's day and they are not likely to view this kind of exchange as an indication that their parents are not able to be nice to each other. The parents won't have contact with each other, but the children will not view the lack of contact as out of the ordinary.

Another exchange mechanism that eliminates contact between the parents is for the "picking up" or dropping off" parent to park at the street, driveway, or parking lot of the other parent's home and let the children walk from the home to the car or vice-versa. A simple phone call can let the other parent know they are there. I don't like this one as well as the pick-up or drop off at school or daycare because it is more evident to the children that their parents aren't able to get along.

Many high conflict parents do their parenting time exchanges at a public place like a fast food restaurant. I'm sure you've seen them. They are not hard to spot. Everyone looks uncomfortable, especially the children. Some even opt for exchanges in the parking lot of the police station. If it's at all possible, please find another solution to parenting time exchanges other than using a restaurant or police station parking lot. These exchanges are very hard on the children and provide them with a poor model for conflict resolution skills.

When thinking about how to handle parenting time exchanges between parents, keep in mind that your solution might be sending unintended messages to your children. The more natural the setting for these exchanges, the happier your children will be.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Letting the School Focus on the Children and Not On Your Divorce Conflict

2009-02-25T14:14:00.002-07:00

School is like a child's job. It is the place where children spend most of their waking hours. When the conflict of divorce becomes overwhelming to children, school can be a sanctuary, where they are the priority and the focus is on how they are handling the pressure.

When parents involve the school in the conflict between them, the school's focus is diverted away from the children and moves over to the parents. Upon receiving a report from one parent about the other parent, it becomes difficult for the faculty and staff at the school to deal with the child without the filter of their knowledge about the parents' conflict.

Consider, for example, the problems that arise when one parent reports a restraining order to the school, but neglects to tell the school that the restraining order has nothing to do with the children or the other parent's access to or contact with the children.

It is the school's job to keep the children safe, not to investigate facts surrounding restraining orders. It is natural for the school to assume that the restrained parent is dangerous and the children need to be protected. The school might inform the staff to be aware of the situation and to check with the office or the reporting parent before the other parent is even allowed in the school. Now you have a staff prone to view "poor little Billy" as abused and fragile when what Billy really needs is an understanding and welcoming environment to escape the stress of parents constantly in conflict.

If there are serious concerns about an abusive parent and the court has ordered that parent to have no contact with the children, the school definitely needs to be aware of the situation and have a copy of the full court order. Otherwise, it is better for the children that parents limit the information they give the school about their conflict, especially temporary restraining orders that do not limit the children's contact with the other parent.

Temporary restraining orders are fairly easy to get, but not so easy to make permanent. Restraining orders are often vacated after the temporary restraining order has been reported to the school, but this information rarely gets to the school. Based on old information, the school is then left trying to protect children from a threat that was never present. This is not fair to the children or to the reported parent; and is definitely not fair to the school.

Before you share information with the school about your ongoing conflict with the other parent, think about the negative impact that information might have on the children. If the court agrees that the other parent's permanent presence in the children's life is detrimental, share the information with the school along with the court order. Otherwise, don't bring the school into your conflict.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Friends Don't Need To Be In The Middle Of Your Divorce

2009-02-18T14:20:00.002-07:00

The impact of separation and divorce on friends, neighbors, and co-workers is often ignored. Whether you see yourself as being particularly social or not, these people are important in your life.

Friends can be in a particularly precarious position, especially those who count both of you as friends. Are you using your mutual friends as messengers to carry information back and forth between you and your ex? Are they in danger of incurring your anger if you think they are friendlier with your ex than with you? Do you use your friendship to maintain some kind of connection to your ex by getting information about your ex through your friends, or hoping that they will tell your ex about you?

If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, then you might be jeopardizing your friendships by bringing your friends into your separation or divorce conflict. You are probably also increasing the conflict between you and your ex.

One of the reasons people give for not maintaining an old friendship with both parties to a separation or divorce is that they just feel too uncomfortable being in the middle. They often say that whenever they spend time with one of the parties, the other one gets angry and pulls away from the friendship. Another reason people give for not maintaining the friendship is that whichever person they spend time with too often just wants to talk about the other person.

You want and need the support of your friends during the difficult time of separation and divorce. It will help you and your friends if you draw a bright line between your relationship with your ex and your relationship with them. If you make a conscious decision not to use your friends as contacts between you and your ex, or feel hurt when s/he also spends time with your ex, you can help preserve the relationship you value with your friends.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Being Careful Not To Increase Conflict By Dragging Family Into Your Divorce

2009-02-11T11:22:00.003-07:00

Long after the divorce is over, conflict between parents can be perpetuated by bringing other people into the middle.

It's not uncommon for each parent to talk to their own family about frustrations and concerns with the other parent. When those family members do not have regular contact with the other parent, this kind of sharing of information has minimal negative impact on the relationship between the divorced parents. In fact, having someone like this to talk with can keep conflict low by helping each parent keep things in perspective.

On the other hand, conflict rises significantly when potentially damaging information about the other parent is passed along to members of that parent's own family. Although it's rarely the intent of the person providing the information to increase conflict, it is almost always the intent of that person to win people over to their "side". It's so easy to fool yourself into thinking that if other people only knew how "bad" the other parent is, everyone would be on your side. The problem is it doesn't really work that way.

Family is a very strong bond that only seems to get stronger when outside attack is perceived. It's not easy to accept outside criticism about one's own family, even if the criticism mirrors things you've thought yourself. Hearing criticism about a child or sibling from an ex-spouse is an especially bitter pill to swallow. Such information is rarely received in confidence and is almost always passed on to the child or sibling immediately.

If you are the one who has had information given to your family, you will likely retaliate in some way. You might call or email the other parent to say that you don't appreciate having your family dragged into the other person's fight (because you rarely perceive it as your fight). You might even make sure the children know that the other parent has caused you harm. If your reaction is anything other than to ignore the situation, conflict is sure to increase. If you multiply one such incident many times, conflict can get out of hand.

How such information is given to family members varies widely from case to case or even from time to time in the same case, but it is rarely an accident. The following email might "accidently" be sent to Joe's parents instead of to Joe; "Dear Joe, I just wanted to let you know how upset Sally was the other day when she learned that you had been having an affair with Misty for years before we were divorced and that all those times you missed her school activities was really because you were with Misty." Or, similar information might be given to Joe's mother's hairdresser, who is known to freely share information. Sometimes the information is given more directly to Joe's mother under the guise of wanting to enlist grandma in helping Sally deal with the distress of learning about Joe's affair.

If you are tempted to share information about your divorce or post-divorce struggles with your ex's family, please reconsider. The increased conflict resulting from your actions will not really make you feel better and can hurt your children much more than your ex.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

A Parenting Coordinator Can Help You With Your Communications

2009-01-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

When high conflict exists between parents, it can really help to have someone monitor your communications with each other. It will save you money and emotional stress if you ask the court to appoint a parenting coordinator (PC) who can provide ongoing feedback to toxic communication patterns.

You can use your PC to monitor your communications by copying the PC on all of your email to each other. If you have chosen a PC who is regularly connected to email, s/he can jump in when s/he sees a negative tone or triggers used. By getting this kind of immediate feedback, you can start to see patterns in your communications that are heightening the conflict between you.

When looking for a PC to help you with your communications, spend some time talking to the person you are considering. You might want to ask the following questions:

• What kind of process the PC uses
• how often s/he checks email
• how s/he responds when toxic communications are spotted

Ultimately, it is up to you to adopt more positive communication patterns, but a PC can give you tools to do that. You might be amazed at the outcome.

Next month: Involving Others in the Conflict

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Stop the Conflict: Three Communication Mistakes That Can Be Fixed

2009-01-22T13:07:00.002-07:00

I'm off my schedule by a day and I apologize. This month's theme is communication, especially between divorced or separated parents. I've talked about how, sometimes, your best communication option during and after divorce is to say nothing, and about eliminating "fighting words" from your communications. Continuing with the communication theme, here are some fixes for email communication mistakes that can help reduce conflict with the other parent:

Caps - Use them seldom or not at all

Before email became so prevalent , I read comments from people writing about email etiquette that you shouldn't write your emails in capital letters because it is akin to shouting. I didn't really believe that until email became part of my all-day, every-day life.

I began to understand how offensive the liberal use of caps in email is when I received my first email that was mostly written in caps. It just set me on edge, like fingernails on a blackboard (do people even remember that sound anymore?). So I started really paying attention to emails, not just to me, but between my clients. What I found surprised me.

I found that the use of caps often seems to be a substitute for saying something meaningful. Because of this, I tend to gloss over and pay less attention to emails I receive that are written with lots of caps. Rather than getting or keeping my attention by the use of caps, the writer has lost me.

I found that the use of caps in emails between high-conflict parents triggers anger reactions. The caps don't add anything of substance to the communication and cause the communications to quickly deteriorate. Once the anger kicks in, effective communication really becomes impossible.

If you find yourself moved to use caps in your email, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve. Then, find some other way to communicate.

Sarcasm and humor

When we talk to someone, our words are only a part of the communication. We use hand gestures; raise an eyebrow; make our voice higher or lower, louder or softer; laugh; smile; or frown. All of these things convey our true meaning to the person we're talking to. Because written communication is devoid of everything but the raw words, our intentions are largely lost in email.

When you write an email, you are often adding all of those hand gestures, facial expressions and intonations in your mind. The problem is, that the person reading your email can't see into your mind. Sarcasm and humor are both highly dependent on extraneous visual and auditory cues. Since these aren't available in writing, your attempts at sarcasm and humor in email will likely fail or be misconstrued.

Those cute little emoticons (the smiling, laughing, winking, or sad faces) people add to their email weren't just created by people with way too much time on their hands. They fill people's need to try to show the spirit of their words in their emails so the receiver can better understand what's being said. Without something like that, the receiver has no way of knowing your intentions.

If your relationship with the other parent is stressed and full of conflict, your best practice is to leave attempts at sarcasm and humor out of your email.

Last word

You probably all have someone in your family who has to have the last word in any discussion or argument. Maybe your whole family is like this, making family get-togethers challenging at best. If you are someone who needs to have the last word, you must know that your need is adding to the conflict with the other parent.

If this is you, it will take great restraint on your part to break the pattern. It took a long time to cultivate the need to have the last word and it will take a long time to feel comfortable not having the last word. The only way to break the cycle is to just resist the urge to say one more thing. Start with a subject that isn't really important to you and just end without responding to the last thing the other person said. As you become more comfortable with this in relatively unimportant conversations, then you can move on to practicing in areas that are more important. Work slowly, but work at it constantly. It will be hard work, but the rewards will be great.

If it is the other parent who needs the last word, know that it is not a sign of weakness on your part to let him or her have it. Know that this communication pattern in the other person started way before you ever came into the picture and includes more than communications just with you. But, it is important for you to take responsibility for your part in these never-ending discussions. Even if the other person hasn't yet done the work necessary to end this communication merry-go-round, you can. If you follow the steps above, the cycle will stop. Start with a subject that is not highly charged, and just let the conversation go when you have said what you have to say. If you make this decision to break this communication cycle, you will feel more powerful in the relationship, not less powerful.

I can't stress enough the powerful role communication has in creating on-going conflict in your relationship with the other parent. Likewise, creating new patterns of communication can break the destructive cycle of conflict and allow both parents to focus on building good relationships with their children.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Minimize Conflict During Divorce by Eliminating "Fighting Words" in your Communications

2009-01-14T14:26:00.002-07:00

There are words and phrases that are so provocative that they are intended to elicit a sharp response from the target. "Lie", "liar", "selfish", "abusive", "evil", "uncaring" are just a few such words. These "fighting words" are nearly impossible to pass up responding to, even if you have vowed to follow my earlier advice not to respond to confrontational communication from the other person.

If you're using words like this in your communications with your ex or soon-to-be-ex, it's time to stop. Peppering your communication with these kinds of words do not help you make your point, even if you have a valid point to make.

Let's look at an example of communication using these fighting words:

Parent A: Sally is scared to go to your house because you make her go to bed without a nightlight. This is just another example of how abusive you are and how you don't care about your child at all.

Parent B: You are such a liar. Sally loves to come over here, but she's afraid to let you know it. When will you stop trying to turn Sally against me and accept that she loves me? If you weren't so selfish, maybe Sally wouldn't have to lie to you about her time here.

This conversation between Parent A and Parent B will likely go on for some time, getting louder and more hostile. No matter which parent Sally is with at the time of the conversation, she will get an earful, even if the parents think she's asleep or in another room at the time. The conversation will not accomplish anything other than frighten and upset Sally.

When you are tempted to use fighting words, stop to think what the issue really is. In the example above, Parent A is concerned about the lack of a nightlight at the other house. Rather than send the message above, Parent A might have said, "I just wanted to let you know that Sally has gotten used to sleeping with a nightlight on. I'm guessing she'll give it up at some point, but for now, she's really more comfortable with one on at night. Having a nightlight at both houses will probably help make the transition between houses easier for her."

Parent B, on the other hand, is concerned about being accused of being a bad parent and wants to fight off claims of being abusive or selfish. The fact is, that in this example there is really nothing Parent B can say to satisfy Parent A. The best response Parent B could have made to Parent A's angry communication above would have been, "Thank you for your email, I will talk to Sally about the nightlight when she's here next. I will make sure she's comfortable."

By addressing the underlying issue without using provocative language, parents can reduce the conflict between them and focus on positive parenting for their children.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Mum's the Word: Minimize Conflict by Altering Communication Patterns

2009-01-07T14:54:00.002-07:00

Separation and divorce are always difficult for children. But when parents remain locked in conflict for years, the continuous anger and insecurity the children experience can be devastating.

Much of the ongoing conflict during and after divorce can be minimized by altering the communication between the parents. For the most part our communication is automatic, patterns repeated over and over. To help break the cycle of conflict, parents need to learn new patterns.

One new pattern of communication is simply to not respond. This can be both the easiest and the hardest new pattern to learn. It's easy because it involves doing nothing. It's hard because it involves doing nothing - when what you really want to do is defend yourself against something the other person has said, reciprocate with an accusation of your own, or prove yourself to the other person.

If the communications between you and the other parent are difficult, limit your communication to email only. If you don't currently have email available, it will definitely be worth your while to set up an account. When you receive angry email messages from the other parent, try a simple response like, "Thank you for the information", or "I got your message, thanks". This kind of simple acknowledgment will eliminate multiple emails asking if you got the first message and asking you to respond. The important thing is to not immediately fire off a lengthy email in return. If there is something in the initial email that really requires a specific response, read the initial email a few times over 24 hours and then respond only as necessary to answer a question or provide requested information.

Toxic communication guaranteed to maintain high conflict between parents takes many forms. Here's just one example:

Parent A: I've asked you hundreds of times to send Sally over with enough clothes for the weekend. This means clothes she can actually go out and play in. She's outgrown the clothes you send for her and the coat you send is so pathetic it wouldn't keep her warm in the summer, let alone in the middle of winter. You should be using the child support I pay you to buy Sally decent clothes. What do you use the child support for anyway? I guess I'm just paying you to go out and have fun with your friends because you're sure not spending the money on Sally. I've had to go out and buy her all new clothes to keep over here since you don't care enough about her to spend any money on her yourself.

Parent B: I can't believe you. As usual, you think only of yourself. Sally has lots of nice clothes here, but I send her over with clothes from the thrift store because you never send them back. Then I have to go out and replace everything again. Sally hates going over to your house because you always criticize her about everything. She's afraid of you and begs me not to make her go with you. If you would care more about her than your precious money, maybe she would want to spend more time with you.

Since we're only concerned here with responding (or not) to angry messages, we're not going to talk about Parent A's initial message. But here's an alternate response from Parent B aimed at reducing conflict: I got your message. Thanks for buying new clothes for Sally to keep at your house. If you will just make sure Sally changes into the clothes she came in before she returns, that will work out great. The trick for Parent B is not to get sucked into the destructive pattern set up by Parent A.

Start practicing now to change old patterns of communication. Eventually these will become your new patterns and will feel automatic and comfortable.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Goodbye 2008 - Hello 2009

2008-12-31T12:41:00.002-07:00

In the closing hours of 2008, it is time to reflect a little on this turbulent year.

I have been heartened by how many people have worked together to peacefully and agreeably iron out their differences to reach creative agreements in settling their divorce and/or parenting issues. Even when just the fact of divorce has been hurtful, I've watched parents work together to make sure that their children have the benefit of two loving households. I've seen parents put their children's needs before their own to create plans that allow their children to thrive, despite divorce or separation.

On the other hand, I've worked with parents who have not been able to let go of the conflict between them, even years after their divorce or separation. I've watched children shrink a bit as parents have put more energy into their anger with each other than they put into building up the children. I've seen parents use the children as weapons to hurt the other parent without considering how their actions hurt the children.

As 2009 opens in a few hours, here are my wishes for the year:

• That all parents will respect and honor their children.
• That all parents will put their children's needs before their own.
• That parents during and after divorce or separation will talk to each other as they would to their boss or a customer.
• That parents will let go of their conflict and anger with each other so they can use that energy in positive ways to build relationships with their children

MOST OF ALL, I WISH FOR PEACE, LOVE, AND PROSPERITY FOR ALL IN THIS UPCOMING YEAR!

What are your wishes for 2009?

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Advantages of Using Alternatives to Divorce Court

2008-12-18T14:59:00.002-07:00

Ever wonder why some people choose to handle their divorce through mediation or arbitration rather than going to court? Here are some of the advantages both mediation and arbitration of your divorce offer over court.

Expense - In mediation, a complete divorce and parenting agreement can generally be reached in 8-16 hours. If the two of you cannot agree on the color of the sky, you can plan on double that time. The hourly rate of a mediator is about half the hourly rate of two attorneys arguing about the same issues. Even if each of you consult with an attorney for an hour or so before, after, or during mediation, a mediated divorce will cut your cost significantly.

Flexibility - Courts are overwhelmed with more cases then they have time to hear. You might have two days worth of information you want the court to consider, but the court might only have half a day to take your case. In addition, courts are required to follow rules of evidence that often limit the information they can consider during your case. Information you might think it crucial to understanding your situation, cannot be considered if it is hearsay or not presented correctly. Arbitration of your divorce by an arbitrator experienced in family law is an excellent way to fully and completely present your case. Arbitrators have more time and are not bound by the rules of evidence. The arbitrator's fee is generally comparable to that of one attorney. Arbitration is more relaxed than court and can usually be scheduled in a matter of weeks instead of months. The arbitration award is binding, just as a court order is.

Control - During mediation, you are in control of your own process and your own agreement. The mediator will guide the process you have chosen, but you are free to change direction and to make agreements that might be unconventional. Courts generally do not have time to be creative in making orders regarding property distribution, parenting issues, or support. You are more likely to get a one-size-fits-all solution from the court than in an agreement that is crafted for your unique situation.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

During Divorce, Communication Style Influences the Outcome: Or, What You Say Is Less Important Than How You Say It

2008-12-10T15:20:00.002-07:00

Separation and divorce are often times of high tension and conflict. How you present yourself to the people involved in your case can affect the outcome.

If you feel like you're just not being heard, no matter how hard you try, it's time to become calmer and quieter. This is really effective, even though it goes against your natural response, which is probably to get louder and more excited. When you think about it, you can understand why.

When someone raises their voice to you, the common reaction is to raise your voice in return. When someone ignores what you say, the common reaction is to speak louder and become more excited to try to forcefully make your point. When someone questions what you say, it's common to become defensive, argumentative, and shrill. Of course, all of these reactions lead to similar reactions from the person you're dealing with.

On the other hand, when you are calm, or at least appear calm, the other person tends to mirror your calmness. When you are quiet, the other person tends to respond quietly. The more composed and quiet you are, the better the chances are that the other person will listen to you and truly hear what you have to say.

I don't pretend that this is easy, it's not. It actually takes a lot of practice. And, believe me, during separation and divorce you will have many opportunities to practice. But when you see the results, you will want to invest in the effort.

Whether you are mediating your separation or parenting issues, or talking directly to the court, making your points calmly and quietly will serve you well.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Parenting Coordinator Post Exposes Festering Wounds

2008-12-05T15:20:00.002-07:00

WOW! I seem to have really touched a nerve with my October 22 post on using a parenting coordinator and/or decision-maker to help break the cycle of conflict between parents after divorce.

Based upon the comments on that post (not all of which were printable or published), I really want to try to generate more of a discussion on this blog. It's clear that many people are frustrated by their custody/parenting cases. More comments are from men than women, but the problems are definitely not unique to men. In looking over the blog post topics, I can see why the parenting coordinator post, in particular, generated such strong comments. It's really been the only post in a long time that offered an opening to anyone frustrated by their case.

I do not make the laws or regulate the "system" that many of you find so frustrating. For those of you looking for a place to discuss your frustrations about your case or the "system", however, please leave comments that tell me exactly what topics I can address that will be helpful to you. If you just want to vent, that's fine, but there are some rules:

• No swearing or personal insults
• Courtesy is a must
• Comments written in all caps will not be published

My purpose in writing this blog is to post information that will be helpful to people trying to cope with parenting after divorce. Sometimes that information is pointing out ways to avoid problems before they start. Sometimes it's asking you to consider a problem from the child's point of view. And sometimes, like with the post on parenting coordinators and decision-makers, the information is to indicate tools that are available to help you move out of conflict if that's what you really want.

So, let's get this discussion going! What can we do to help?

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Adjusting the Parenting Schedule for Unforeseen Events

2008-11-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

If only life were steady and predictable. Then parenting schedules would never have to be altered to accommodate unexpected events. But, alas, life is full of twists and turns that nobody expects. During divorce or separation, we discover that all kinds of plans need to be modified, including parenting plans.

Having to change the parenting schedule from time to time is one of the few things you can count on when co-parenting after divorce. Unforeseen or special events will come up, such as a grandparent's funeral or a major celebration in the extended family. This is generally not a problem for divorced or separated parents who are able to cooperate with each other.

Even cooperative co-parents who generally get along well aren't necessarily always happy about making the requested changes. But they work together to accommodate these special requests because they know that they too might need to request a change from time to time.

When putting together your parenting plan, it is helpful to include a provision specifying how you will handle adjustments to the plan. Your plan might say something like:

We understand that there will be times when we want the children to participate in an event that does not fit into the parenting schedule set forth in this parenting plan. If either of us has a need or desire to alter the parenting schedule to allow the children to participate in special occasions that arise from time to time, we will provide notice of the request to the other parent at least 30 days prior to the change, if possible. Within 3 days of the written request, the other parent will notify the requesting parent of any specific conflict in the children's schedule that would make that change in the schedule detrimental to the children. If the parents are not able to resolve the scheduling conflict within 5 days of the other parent's written response, they agree to immediately schedule a mediation-arbitration session with __________. If the parents are not able to resolve the conflict through mediation at that session, ___________ will make a binding decision about the requested schedule change.

To balance the extra time with the requesting parent, the other parent will have parenting time with the children the next two weekends.

In the case of a death in the family, schedule change requests will be accepted automatically, and the other parent will have parenting time with the children the next two weekends.

It's not possible to think of all eventualities when preparing your parenting plan, but including a provision for handling occasional changes can lessen any conflict or negative impact on the children.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Staying Involved with Your Child's School After Divorce or Separation

2008-11-19T11:15:00.003-07:00

It's so important to children that their parents are involved with their school conferences and activities, because it shows that THEY are important to their parents. It's a parenting basic that is usually second nature in most families.

After divorce or separation, though, parents sometimes don't get along well enough to participate in these activities together. One or both parents might stop attending school events, especially if they cannot tolerate being in the same room as the other parent. If you find yourself in this situation, there are still ways for both of you to participate in the children's school activities.

The best solution is to address the issue in the parenting plan at the time of separation or divorce. Specify that both parents will have access to school information and records, and that both parents will be allowed to participate in parent-teacher conferences and attend school activities.

For parents who are getting along well, the plan can include a mechanism for coordinating schedules if you are going to attend together. However, the plan should also include a mechanism for arranging alternate attendance if it's better to avoid being there at the same time.

Even when you have a fairly amicable divorce or separation, things can come up in the future that put a strain on your ability to get along with the other parent. The parenting plan can include a clause that, with written notice, either parent can request that you stop attending school events together and switch to the alternate arrangement. Having that alternate in place from the beginning will make that transition easy.

Generally, schools send home information about conferences and other school activities with the children, often on the same day each week. However, schools and teachers are generally very accommodating to parents who need information sent to both parents separately or need to schedule separate parent-teacher conferences.

If you want information sent directly to you, make a request in person or in writing. Because schools are often underfunded, provide them with self-addressed stamped envelopes to make it easy to send information to you. Build a good relationship with your child's teachers with regular telephone or email contact.

Even if you and your ex are not able to participate in school activities together, take the time to establish your own relationship with their school. Your children will be excited that you take so much interest in them and what they're doing in school. And you will be the involved parent you want to be.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, http://www.cofamilysolutions.com

Introducing a New Alternative to Mediation for Divorcing Couples: Mediation's Cousin – Early Neutral Evaluation

2008-11-05T10:04:00.001-07:00

Early neutral evaluation, like mediation, is focused on resolving divorce issues outside of court. Early neutral evaluation (ENE) is getting a lot of attention lately because it has been very successful in helping couples settle their divorce or separation cases early in the process, even if the conflict between them is high.

What is ENE?

ENE is a dispute-resolution process that is designed to help couples settle their divorce or separation early in the process, allowing parties to avoid the ongoing expense and pressure of litigation. During ENE, a couple can each share their side of the story and their feelings and frustrations. Then, they receive an expert assessment of their case, allowing them to make informed decisions about settlement.

How does ENE work?

A two-person ENE team usually consists of mental health professionals and/or lawyers, with specific expertise in working with divorcing and separating families. They listen to the issues that are causing the highest conflict between you, then offer feedback and suggestions for settlement based on your unique family situation. At that point, they move into a more traditional mediation role.

In your first meeting with the ENE team, each of you will provide information about your family, your break-up, your children, specific concerns and your desired outcome. If financial issues are involved, you will present those as well. The ENE team may ask to hear everything at once, or may deal with the parenting issues and the financial issues separately.

You will each have about 25 minutes to present your information. After you have both presented your initial information, you will each have another 10 minutes or so to respond to things the other person brought up. Part of the value of ENE is that during these presentations, each of you is talking directly to the ENE team instead of arguing with each other. After both of you have talked about what's important to you, the ENE team will ask questions to help clarify information and positions, and will identify any areas where you are already in agreement.

After they've heard your information, the ENE team meets privately to evaluate the case and consider settlement suggestions for the parties. They may come back with a request for more information, or they may be ready to give their recommendations right away.

The joint meeting will then resume and the team will present its evaluative impressions and provide settlement options, including suggestions regarding decision-making and parenting time. The team might also suggest other services that would be helpful to the family such as counseling, parenting classes, drug or alcohol education or treatment, or communication classes.

After the ENE team has offered its feedback and settlement suggestions, there will be a break to give you time to think about the suggestions and discuss them with your attorney(s), if any. At this point the team will then move into a mediation role to help you work out the details of an agreement.

How does ENE differ from mediation?

Both mediation and early neutral evaluation help you settle your divorce early in the process. In mediation, the mediator helps you clarify the issues, maintain clear communication, achieve balance between you, and manage the process in a way that allows you to move forward. Your ENE team, on the other hand, will first give you very direct and specific recommendations and make suggestions for your settlement details, before moving into that mediation process.

The goal of both mediation and early neutral evaluation is to help you reach early settlement of your divorce or separation that satisfy both of you and benefit your children.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Using Mediation after Divorce to Resolve Disputes Regarding Medical Decisions

2008-10-29T13:13:00.002-06:00

Parenting plans are usually clear that either parent may authorize emergency medical or dental care for the children while they are in that parent's care. But what happens when parents have joint decision-making authority over non-emergency medical care and they can't agree?

This issue often comes up when a doctor or other professional has diagnosed and/or recommended treatment for mental health conditions like ADHD or depression. Sometimes the parents not only disagree about the treatment, but about the actual diagnosis in the first place.

When parents disagree about a diagnosis or treatment, the easiest way to resolve the dispute is to get a second opinion. If the two professionals have radically different diagnoses, you might ask them to consult with each other and then talk to you about their differences. If necessary, ask the two professionals to suggest a third professional to review their recommendations, evaluate your child and make their own diagnosis. Note that you will likely have to pay for these consultations.

Some parents hesitate to take these steps because they think it's too much trouble, they'll hurt the professional's feelings or the professional will be annoyed if they don't accept their diagnosis and treatment recommendations without question. Don't let that stop you – they are used to it and they do not mind.

After evaluation by two or even three professionals, what if you still can't agree about what to do next?

First, focus completely on the child and set aside your own personal bias. If anger towards the other parent is getting in the way, find a counselor who can help you work through it so you can focus on what's best for your child.

Second, take your dispute to mediation. Mediation can help you figure out what information each of you need to break the impasse. Rather than starting with the disputed decision itself, mediation will help you reach agreements about how you will make the decision.

• What additional information do you need about specific treatment outcomes?
• What additional information do you need about the methods used to reach the diagnosis?
• What kind of information will you trust?
• Where can you find the information you need?
• How long will it take for you to gather the information you need?

After you've agreed to how you will make the decision, and have had time to gather the information you have agreed you need, another mediation session can be scheduled to work out the details of an agreement regarding the actual decision.

Hopefully, these nonemergency medical, dental, and mental health decisions will not need to be made often, but it's good to have a plan for when they do.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

The Dynamic Duo: Using a Parenting Coordinator and Decision-Maker to Break the Cycle of Conflict

2008-10-22T15:13:00.004-06:00

I've talked about this before, but the information bears repeating.

What is a Parenting Coordinator?

After the divorce or separation is over and a court-ordered parenting plan is in place, sometimes parents cannot get along well enough to put the plan into practice. Or hostility and conflict make it impossible to make necessary adjustments to the plan over time. In these situations, Colorado has authorized the appointment of a Parenting Coordinator (PC).

What is the Parenting Coordinator's Function?

The PC’s function is to assist the parties in resolving disputes concerning parental responsibilities (what used to be called custody) and parenting time (what used to be called visitation).

The PC will work with the family to help them identify the sources and causes of conflict between them, identify each party’s contribution to the conflict, develop parenting strategies to minimize the conflict, develop guidelines for communication between the parties, and develop guidelines for putting the parenting plan into place. The PC does not have any decision-making authority over the parties.

How are Decisions Made?

In addition to the use of parenting coordinators, some states authorize courts in family law cases to appoint a domestic relations decision-maker or special master (DM), with the written consent of both parties.

The DM, once appointed, is authorized to make binding decisions to resolve disputes regarding the implementation or clarification of existing orders concerning the parties’ minor or dependent children, including disputes regarding parenting time, specific parental decisions, and child support.

The DM’s decisions must be consistent with the substantive intent of the existing court order. In parenting time cases, this basically means that the DM cannot substantially reduce the parenting time of either party, but can make decisions which would re-align the parenting time in a situation that the order might not have considered.

How is the Decision-Making Process Different from Arbitration?

The decision-making process is less formal than arbitration, especially when someone has been appointed to serve the dual role of parenting coordinator and decision-maker (PC/DM).

When a PC/DM has been appointed, the PC will first help the parents to resolve the issue themselves. If the parents are unable to resolve the issue, the PC will determine when the process should shift from parenting coordination to decision-making and will let the parties know that the process has shifted.

And unlike arbitration, because the PC/DM will already have most of the information needed to make the decision for the parties, usually no formal hearing will be held.
If the DM is not also the PC, though, the process will generally be more formal and will require repetition of most of the information and documents already provided to a different PC or exchanged through attorneys. In these cases, there will likely be a hearing in order to allow the DM to make an informed decision.

What Kinds of Decisions Can the Decision-Maker Make?

The decision-maker is not intended to replace the court in making major decisions affecting a person’s parental rights. However, it is often not the major issues which take up the majority of the court’s time in high conflict parenting cases.

For parents who remain hostile and in high conflict after a parenting plan has been agreed to or ordered, making even very small decisions can be paralyzing.

These relatively minor adjustments, such as whether the pick-up or drop-off time for parenting time should be 5:00 or 6:00, how to choose each parent's summer vacation weeks, temporary changes to the parenting schedule and the parents' presence at school or extra-curricular activities, will not substantially change a parent's parenting time or decision-making rights regarding the child(ren).

Is the Decision Final?

Although the procedure is different from state to state, the DM’s decision is generally effective and binding upon both parties as soon as it is issued, and must be filed by the DM with the court shortly after it is issued, with a request that the decision be confirmed by the court.
Some states give parties the right to request that the court modify the decision and hold a de novo hearing after the final decision is issued.

A parenting coordinator/domestic relations decision-maker can be an invaluable resource that you can use to resolve family issues outside of court, break the cycle of conflict and learn new communication skills that will improve your family's quality of life.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Divorce settlement personality styles - Are you a diplomat or a general?

2008-10-15T16:45:00.001-06:00

A diplomat is someone who is tactful and skillful in managing delicate situations and handling people. After assessing the needs and interests of all interested parties, the diplomat uses that information to propose solutions that will benefit all involved.

A general is also skillful in managing delicate and difficult situations, but looks for solutions that will benefit his or her side. The general focuses more on tactics rather than tact to accomplish goals, and is not concerned with understanding other people's needs.

When working on your divorce and parenting settlements, your underlying personality style will largely dictate the course of the process. So, which are you, diplomat or general?

Diplomats are much more likely to seek out mediation to resolve their family issues. They are comfortable with the give and take they know will be necessary to reach a settlement. Diplomats tend to look for win-win solutions that meet their needs and are also fair to the other side.

As much as diplomats want to be fair, they also want to be treated fairly. Their willingness to compromise is not a sign of weakness. Even though they would rather determine their own outcome, diplomats are willing to seek the court's help if they feel they are not being taken seriously or treated fairly.

Generals will usually agree to participate in a process like mediation, but are much more skeptical about whether it will work. They often already have a particular solution in mind and can't see any other resolution to the issue. They're rigidly attached to their own ideas and are reluctant to discuss other options that might benefit both parties.

Although generals appear to be comfortable with taking their fight to court, they are often the ones who will seek a last-minute settlement. After accepting such settlements, however, generals often complain bitterly about how unfairly they were treated.

In settling your divorce, if both of you are diplomats you will likely find success with mediation, a process that allows you to explore the many options that will meet the unique needs of your family. If one of you is a diplomat and the other a general , you might consider an alternative dispute resolution process that offers a little more direction, such as early neutral evaluation.

Even if you are both generals, you can still consider alternative dispute resolution. It will be much more rewarding if you are successful at reaching your own agreement and you can always go to court if your efforts fail. You have nothing to lose and much to gain.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Parenting After Divorce - Let Mediation Help You Navigate the Waters When Children Want to Move In With the Other Parent

2008-10-08T13:33:00.002-06:00

No matter how carefully you worked out your parenting plan, older children often decide they want to change the parent they live with.

Children may have a wide variety of reasons for wanting to make a change. They might start feeling like the other parent didn't get a fair shake in the divorce and they want to make up for that. An adolescent or teenage child might start to identify more strongly with one parent and want to have a stronger relationship with that parent. The rules at one house might seem stricter than at the other, leading children to think life will be easier if they moved. Their relationship with a step-parent or significant other might be difficult. Or, they might just simply be curious about what life would really be like at that other house.

Whatever the children's reasons for wanting to move to the other parent's, negotiating this new landscape can be complicated. If the child has been living with you full-time, it's typical for you to be resistant to the idea, argue with the child or refuse to even consider the request. You might even accuse the other parent of manipulating the child to make the request in the first place. For most children, these tactics only seem to reinforce their decision.

Mediation is the perfect tool for negotiating a child's request to change his or her residence. If there is a change in residence, you will be essentially drafting a new parenting plan. Just like your original parenting plan, this plan should detail what parenting time for each parent will look like, how decisions will be made, how holidays will be alternated and what the child support arrangement will be.

If children are old enough to talk about wanting to go live with their other parent, they are very likely old enough to be included in these mediation sessions. It's a good idea for the parents to meet with the mediator alone initially, though, to start the process and have preliminary discussions about the issues. Before even getting into the details of the new parenting plan, it's important to consider how each of the parents feel about such a change, whether the change is even feasible, and if there are any special circumstances that need to be considered.

After the parents have had these initial discussions with the mediator, the children can be invited into the process to work out the details. The mediator will probably meet with the children alone first, to assess their comfort level and communication style. Some children are free with their ideas with the mediator, but do not want to be the ones to tell the parents directly what they're thinking. Other children welcome the opportunity to tell their parents what they're thinking in a controlled setting, knowing that the mediator is there to smooth out the communication.

If your children start to talk about moving in with their other parent, use the tool of mediation to help you through the process of deciding whether or not to make this change and/or how the change will work.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Gifts for the Children after Divorce

2008-09-30T15:09:00.002-06:00

With the major gift giving holidays just around the corner, it's time to think about how to handle gifts for the children. Now that you're divorced or separated, it might seem that the answer is simple. Each of you will get separate gifts and the children will be happy because they will probably get more than they did when you were together. Beware, though, there are some hidden traps lurking in this situation.

Whether you are aware of it or not, divorced or separated parents often compete when it comes to gift-giving, especially at the beginning. If Johnny or Sally mentions something they'd like to have, they get it, no matter how costly or impractical it is. But with children being constantly inundated with commercials, ads, and catalogs to give them ideas about things they didn't even know they were missing, this can quickly escalate out of control.

Competing parents will often spend more money than they can comfortably afford, just to get Johnny or Sally the biggest, brightest, or best thing on their "wish" list. Then they expect the child to adore the gift and them, and to declare them the best parent. When the child doesn't react the way they want, they're disappointed or even resentful.

Nobody wins by competing for the children's affection through gifts, not even the children. While there might be a part of them that likes the extra attention and gifts, in the long run, they feel uncomfortable being treated like a "prize" in a contest they don't really understand.

There's another problem with gift-giving competition, especially when the parents have different economic circumstances. The less well-off parent resents feeling like his or her gifts are not as "good" as the other parent's gifts, or that the other parent spends lots of money on expensive gifts but refuses to pay for that extracurricular activity the children really want to participate in.

The parent with more financial resources resents the fact that he or she is the one who always gives the more expensive gift, or that the other parent does not use their child support money to buy nicer gifts.

So what can you do to stop this gift-giving insanity?

Communicate

If there is ever a time for the two parents to communicate, it is around gift-giving time. If you have a decent relationship, meet for coffee or lunch and talk about gift ideas for the children – I mean really talk about it. What gifts have the children mentioned, and how much do they cost? What have each of you budgeted for gifts?

Make a list of things the kids have asked for and try to prioritize them in order of importance. If you need more information about cost, size, or availability of specific items, decide which of you is going to do the required research and report back to the other. After you have all the information you need, decide together who will give which gift(s) to the children.

Note that if you don't have such a great relationship, you can accomplish all of this by email.

Cooperate

Sometimes there is a gift that a child really wants or needs, but it costs more than either parent can comfortably handle on his or her own. Why not give the gift together, with each of you contributing towards the cost? Even if the gift is actually given at one parent's house, both parents can sign the card and/or attach separate cards.

When their parents cooperate in this way, the children actually get two gifts for the price of one. They get the item that was their heart's desire, and they also get to see the two people they love the most working together to put them first.

Seeing their parents communicate and cooperate, instead of compete, is the most priceless gift of all, and a life lesson that the child will carry forever.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Parenting Plans: Holiday Time Details

2008-09-23T15:56:00.004-06:00

A good parenting plan is all about the details. Even when parents are cooperative about shared parenting, a detailed parenting plan is still essential to avoid confusion, misunderstandings and disputes in the future. Here are three questions about holiday time that every parenting plan should answer.

When do major holidays begin and end?

Parenting plans usually make some kind of provision for alternating the major holidays between the parents. But, what exactly does Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, or Christmas really mean? Are they the whole weekend or just the day? What time does parenting time start for each holiday and what time does it end? Even if, during their separation, the parents have been able to work out these details as each holiday has come up, it's not uncommon for these issues to cause disputes from time to time. Providing this kind of detail in the parenting plan gives parents something to refer to if conflict or confusion arise.

First, specify in the parenting plan exactly which holidays you are alternating between the parents. Then, for each holiday, detail exactly what day and time the holiday time starts and what day and time it ends. For Thanksgiving, you might say something like, "Thanksgiving will be from after school or daycare on the day before Thanksgiving, until Sunday at 5:00 p.m." For Mother's Day or Father's Day, you might say, "Mother's Day/Father's Day will include the weekend from Friday after school or daycare until Sunday at 5:00 p.m." If you decide that holiday weekends extend until the children are delivered to school or daycare on Monday morning, say so.

Do we adjust the regular parenting schedule after the holiday?

Generally, holidays have priority over regular parenting time, although this should be spelled out in the parenting plan. Sometimes, however, holidays will cause one parent to have the children three weekends in a row. Do you want to just roll with it and know that everything will balance out eventually? Or do you want to add something to your parenting plan that prevents either parent from having the children more than two weekends in a row?

Consider what is in the children's best interests. The simplest option will always be to settle right back into the parenting schedule with no adjustments. If that's what you decide to do, say so. If you really feel that it's important to even things out immediately, consider something like this: "When the holiday schedule interacts with the regular schedule such that one parent would have three weekends in a row, we shall adjust the weekend schedule so that, instead, each parent has two weekends in a row. If we cannot agree which two weekends each parent will have, the parent who has the children for the holiday shall also have them for the weekend before the holiday and the other parent shall have the children for the two weekends after the holiday."

What about other three-day weekends?

There are many three-day weekends that aren't national holidays. Most parenting plans include the basic three-day weekends like Memorial Day and Labor Day. But what about Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, President's Birthday and Columbus Day, not to mention the miscellaneous three-day weekends in the school calendar? If your children are off school, it's an exception to your regular parenting plan. The problem is that no matter how specific you try to be, it's likely you will miss at least one, and this kind of ambiguity can increase tensions between the parents.

Your first decision is how many three-day weekends you want to specifically include in your parenting plan. Start with the three-day weekends when one or both parents are off work on the Monday. As for the others, it will be helpful to you in the long run if you clearly state whether weekend parenting time will extend to the day off school or not.

Here are two possible statements you might use: "Unless we agree otherwise in writing, no changes will be made to the regular parenting schedule for any three-day weekends other than Memorial Day and Labor Day (and any others you want to include). For those three-day weekends we have specified, if parenting time would ordinarily conclude on Sunday, it will be extended to the same time on Monday (or, if parenting time would ordinarily conclude on Monday, it will be extended to conclude at the same time on Tuesday)." or "For any three-day weekend the children are off school, if parenting time would ordinarily conclude on Sunday, it will be extended to the same time on Monday (or, if parenting time would ordinarily conclude on Monday, it will be extended to conclude at the same time on Tuesday)."

Taking a little extra time to add these holiday details to your parenting plan can save you time, money and hard feelings in the future.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Be Consistent in Your Parenting Time

2008-09-16T11:45:00.001-06:00

Imagine that you've made a date to meet a friend and s/he arrives an hour late, or even worse, doesn't show up at all. Now imagine that your friend does this every time you make plans, but gives you lots of reasons why s/he was late or didn't show. How do you feel? Are you angry? Are you hurt? Are you reluctant to trust your friend in the future? Will you continue to make plans with this friend?

Now imagine that your child is the one who is waiting for YOU. Imagine that s/he has been ready to go since first thing in the morning, that s/he has excitedly told everyone who will listen that s/he's going to see you today. Can you imagine how your child feels if you're late or don't show up?

Fortunately, children are generally more forgiving than adults, at least up to a point. Even when parents are continually late for parenting time, or don't show up at all, children want to believe the excuses. They want to think that you would have been there if you possibly could. They might not even question why you didn't call.

Unfortunately, even children have a breaking point, a point beyond which they will not make that leap of faith. And once they've reached that point, you have probably lost your chance to prove yourself to them. They will likely have already decided that you don't care about them and that you are not to be trusted. Not only will this have a negative effect on your child's future relationship with you, it could have a negative effect on all of your child's other future relationships.

It's so easy to keep things from ever getting to that point. If you're having trouble keeping to the times in your parenting schedule, ask yourself why, and look for ways to change it. Maybe your hours have changed at work, or you hadn't considered the travel time when you made the original arrangements. Ask the other parent to renegotiate a schedule that works better for you. Make it easy for yourself to follow through on your commitments to your children. They will thank you for being someone they can trust.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

During Divorce, Take Your Children's Comments About Their Other Parent With a Grain of Salt

2008-09-12T15:53:00.001-06:00

During the difficult times of divorce and separation, children look for ways to get attention from their parents. And no matter how careful you think you are being, your children are acutely aware of the conflict between their parents and will often exploit that conflict to draw the attention they desperately want. They've probably noticed that if they say something bad about the other parent, it usually gets a reaction. As part of these efforts, children will even stretch the truth or manipulate the situation.

I'm not suggesting that everything your children say about their other parent is an exaggeration or attempt to bend the truth just to get your attention. I am suggesting, however, that before you react with a call to your attorney or leave a scathing message for the other parent, step back a bit from the information and consider it without emotion. Think about whether this is something you really need to respond to, or just something you should be on the lookout for in the future.

Instead of calling or emailing the other parent with the message, "Sally says that you told them I'm a delusional bitch who is screwing our kids up royally. I really don't appreciate the way you're always trying to turn the kids against me," try a softer approach. Consider that if that's what Sally told you, she may have said something equally as inflammatory to the other parent about you. The most important message here might be that Sally needs some attention from you.

As long as what you've heard doesn't point to any actual danger to your children, you might not have to say anything at all to the other parent. Or, you might calmly say, "I'm worried that the conflict between us is negatively affecting the kids and wonder what we can do to cool things down." Even if you don't feel calm at all, you'd be amazed at how a calm tone will often then be reflected back to you by the other parent. If one of you makes an effort to treat the other parent like a business partner, the other often follows that lead. It is, after all, very difficult to keep one-sided conflict going.

So don't over-react to what your children say about their other parent. Help them and each other by staying calm and taking all comments with a healthy grain of salt.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

How to Choose the Mediation Style That's Best For You

2008-09-09T13:19:00.002-06:00

Mediation helps divorcing and separating couples resolve their issues in ways that work for them, without the court's intervention and often without attorneys. Mediation styles and the mediation process vary from mediator to mediator, but generally fall into two major categories.

Evaluative mediation, also known as settlement-conference style mediation. In this model, the parties are kept in separate rooms and the mediator shuttles between them carrying messages from one to the other, encouraging each party to compromise to some middle point. Each side approaches mediation with positions on the various issues in their divorce. The mediator evaluates the positions and tells the parties how the court would likely rule on the issues and why they should moderate their position to reach a settlement.

If you are working with attorneys and/or you are interested in a quicker resolution, this model might be a good fit for you. Evaluative mediation is often used when attorneys are active in the case and accompany the parties to mediation. Because attorneys are well schooled in negotiating from positions, they understand and are comfortable with this mediation model and see it as efficient. Couples, however, often feel pressured in this process. They can feel like there is a "winner" and a "loser", causing dissatisfaction with the process or the outcome.

Interest-based mediation. In this style, both parties sit together at the same table with the mediator. For the most part, the parties talk directly to each other, with occasional meetings (called, "caucuses") in a separate room with the mediator. The mediator facilitates communications between them, helping them explore and expand their options. The focus is on the interests of the participants rather than on their positions. The mediator might suggest some solutions other couples have found helpful, but does not steer the agreement one way or the other.

If you are looking for a balanced, win-win approach to your settlement and you don't mind investing a bit more time, this might be the best model for you. Parties who use this style of mediation often feel as though the agreement reached is truly a collaborative effort and is generally beneficial to everyone. Although this process can be slower than evaluative mediation, the parties tend to be more satisfied with the process and the outcome.

These two models are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Although many mediators emphasize one process over the other, in actual practice they combine aspects of both. Mediation is a personal process and requires a good fit between the parties and the mediator. Spend a little time looking for the mediator and style that will work best for you. If you are considering mediation for your divorce or separation, talk to a few mediators and trust your instincts in picking the one that fits best for you.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

New Office, New View, New Outlook

2008-08-26T11:51:00.001-06:00

I've been busy over the last few weeks. I moved my office a few miles north. I'm now looking at trees out my window instead of parking lot and freeway. That, alone, is enough to give a person a new outlook, but it's been more than the move and the new view.

I've participated in some trainings lately that have had me role-playing moms and dads going through a divorce. That's what's given me a new outlook. These role-plays have been designed by others to set up very difficult, high-conflict cases. It's easy to think that a role-play is just pretend and doesn't really simulate real life. But, let me tell you, things feel very real, even in a role-play.

I recently played a dad of two pre-teen kids. My "wife" told a story of how little time I spent with the kids and how she had to do everything herself when we were together. She went on and on about how worthless I was as a parent and how she just wasn't sure I should have much parenting time with the kids because I probably wouldn't know what to do with them. As the "dad", I actually started to believe that I was kind of worthless. When I really thought about it, however, I began to talk about how I have always wanted to do things with the kids, take them to lessons and appointments, and get involved with the school, but she kept putting obstacles in the way to hinder my participation.

These role-plays have helped remind me how important each parent's input is and how important it is for each of us to try to see things from the other side instead of always pushing our own point of view. Just like the view out my window, a change of perspective about the things and people in your life can change your whole outlook.

Hopefully I'm back to my regular posting schedule next week. As always, I'm interested in your comments, questions, and suggestions!

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Parenting After Divorce - Celebrating the Children's Birthdays

2008-07-29T15:00:00.001-06:00

After a divorce, dealing with birthdays can be challenging for many families. It is especially difficult when parents are just working out the details of their parenting plan.

It's perfectly normal for parents to feel a little possessive or even competitive about the children's birthdays. They often feel like they need to create the best birthday celebrations, in order to help the children overcome the loss caused by the divorce.

The best thing you can do for your children's birthdays is to avoid conflict over the whole thing.

Here are some ways that other families deal with birthday celebrations:

The parents alternate being with the child on their actual birthday, from one year to the next. This is a very common way to handle the issue, but is not the most satisfying for the child. When children are in school, birthday celebrations are often planned for the weekend before or after the actual birthday. If the parenting schedule is interrupted for the actual day of the birthday and then the birthday party needs to be scheduled in an awkward way to fit into the parenting plan, children often feel frustrated that they don't have any control over their special day.

The parenting plan does not change. Each parent celebrates the child's birthday during his or her regular parenting time. This works well when the parents share parenting time on a liberal schedule, even if it's not 50/50. Children get to see each parent on or near their birthday, without the schedule feeling forced or disrupted. Children generally like this plan and parents find that the time tends to equalize over the years.

The parents share the birthday. One parent has time in the morning and the other in the evening, or one for an hour or two in the early evening and the other a little later in the evening. This kind of arrangement is definitely kinder to the parents than to the children. Neither parent has to be left out, but the birthday child spends more time moving around from place to place than actually enjoying the birthday. Children are very resistive to this kind of plan, especially as they get older.

The parents celebrate the child's birthday together. Whether it's on the actual birthday or for the birthday celebration, the parents are there together. When the parents can be cordial and respectful of each other, children like this arrangement. They feel like they are the one who's really important and that the parents are working together to make their day special. Parents who cannot be in the same space with each other without fighting should not consider this kind of arrangement.

Each parent has a separate birthday party or celebration during that parent's parenting time. This scenario is not recommended; it often makes children very uncomfortable, especially if each parent is trying to outdo the other by having the "best" party. Most children understand that this kind of competition is not about them or what they want. But they will often go along with the parents' plans because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. The stress for the children in this kind of situation is compounded when each parent invites the same friends to the separate parties, which can be embarrassing for both the birthday child and the friends.

However you plan to celebrate your child's birthday, it's important to consider the child's feelings before your own. Children probably won't even remember each individual birthday event – unless of course, it was filled with the pain and anxiety of trying to smooth over conflict between his or her parents.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Step-Children and Divorce – Parenting Plans for Blended Families

2008-07-22T13:03:00.002-06:00

What happens to your relationship with your step-children after your divorce from their parent? This is a hard question to answer because the lines are so blurry. Mediation can help.

If step-children have lived with you during your marriage to their parent, you have likely developed a close relationship with them, and perhaps they feel even closer to you than to their natural parent. This is not unusual, especially when there's been a lot of conflict between the natural parents. Or, you might be the only mom or dad they know.

Blended families may also include children that the two of you have had together. They consider your step-children to be their brothers and sisters, and often have a strong bond with them.

If you are a blended family experiencing separation or divorce, and there has been a good bond between step-parent and step-children, here are some questions to consider in your parenting plan:

• What will parenting time look like?
• How will this work when the step-children also have established schedules with both natural parents?
• If there are also children from this marriage, how will you ensure that they also get to spend time with the step-children?
• If there are step-children on both sides, do they have a bond with each other that would be beneficial to maintain?

While the courts are pretty clear about establishing parenting plans for children of the marriage, they can vary widely when asked to adopt a plan that includes step-children. The courts are starting to accept the concept that the step-parent can have as deep a psychological bond as a natural parent. And while court-ordered parenting plans involving step-children are appearing more frequently, it is safer to work out your own agreement than leave these important issues up to the unpredictability of the courts.

Mediation is especially helpful in helping couples work through the complexities of maintaining and supporting the relationships that have grown between the parents and children of blended families. In mediation, you have the luxury of trying out many different kinds of schedules that might work for you. And the mediator will help you explore more options when you get stuck.

Creativity is the key. Just as creativity made your blended family work in the first place, creativity can help your blended families ease the pains of separation and divorce.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Try to Think Like a Child When Working On Divorce-Related Parenting Issues

2008-07-15T15:57:00.002-06:00

Parents spend untold hours dealing with parenting issues during and after their divorce or separation. But often this effort has the wrong focus. Instead of looking at these issues only from their own perspective, parents should try approaching them from the children's perspective.

Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Parenting Time

I don't know why I can't see Daddy more. I know I spend the night with him two times a week, but each time is so short. It's not enough! By the time Daddy picks me up from daycare on Tuesday, I barely get time to spend with before I have to do my homework. Then it's time to go to bed. He drops me off at school the next day and I don't see him again until Friday night for one more night. I feel like I spend more time saying good-bye to him than I do actually spending time with him.

While working out a parenting time schedule, parents will pour over calendars, counting up days, hours, and even minutes in an effort to design a schedule they think is fair. They spend very little time, however, actually putting themselves in their children's shoes to see how the schedule might feel to them.

School Activities

I'm so excited about my concert next week at school. The choir is doing a whole program of patriotic songs and I'm singing a solo! I'm hoping everyone can be there - Mom, Daddy, Nana and Papa, and Grams and Gramps! I'm nervous about singing a solo in front of everyone, but I'm even more nervous worrying about everybody getting along okay. I get so embarrassed when they say mean things in front of other people.

Sometimes, parents who are still angry and hurt over their separation or divorce don't know how to stop themselves from acting out with the other parent or starting arguments. This kind of public display in front of the child and others is horrifying to children and makes them want to dig a hole and jump in. You might think you are making yourself look better by showing the world and the children how bad the other parent is, but such behavior really makes the children think less of you.

Sports Activities

I really, really want to play baseball! Mom is okay with it and she's even willing to pay without asking for help from Dad. But, Dad says he won't let me play games on the weekends I'm with him, even if Mom drives. If I can't make it to games, I can't be on the team. I used to like spending time with Dad, but I hate it when he won't let me do any of my normal things when I'm at his house. It's not even like we're doing other fun stuff together, half the time we just watch TV. So what's the problem with him taking me to my games and watching me play?

Parenting time is a time for you to parent. That's why it's no longer called visitation. Parenting includes letting your children do the things kids do, like participating in activities outside of school and home. If you prevent your children from taking part in sports or other activities, you might gain some one-on-one time, but you risk damaging your relationship. Then, once they're old enough to choose, they might decide they don't want to spend time with you at all.

You can gain valuable insight if you allow yourself to think like a child when facing divorce-related parenting issues. The voice you hear might sound very different from your own. Hopefully listening to that voice will help you shape the choices you make in your divorce.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Change In Publishing Schedule

2008-07-11T13:28:00.001-06:00

I have been publishing new posts on Tuesdays and Fridays. Now that summer is in full swing, I am changing the schedule to publish only on Tuesdays until September 2. Beginning September 2, I should be back to publishing new posts on Tuesdays and Fridays.

As always, if there is a subject you would like to see me address, please add a comment letting me know.

Happy Parenting!

Older Children are Affected by Your Divorce, Too

2008-07-08T13:24:00.001-06:00

Many couples wait to separate or divorce until their children are teenagers or older, thinking they can avoid the negative effects of divorce on the children. Much has been written about how divorce affects young children. But the impact on older children, even adult children, can also be profound.

Parents are often surprised at the strong reaction of their older children to their decision to divorce. But, when you think about it, the reaction isn't really all that surprising.

First of all, older children may have already experienced for themselves the hurt and anger that accompany a rocky or broken relationship. Based upon their personal experience with relationships, older children are likely to closely identify with their parents' emotions surrounding the divorce.

Secondly, as older children become more independent, their relationship with parents may shift to one that more resembles friendship. Because of these blurred lines, parents of older children frequently share more details of their marital problems and divorce with their children than they should. Unfortunately, this puts the older children in a very difficult position. They want to know what's going on, but they don't really want to be that intimate with their parent(s). They want to be supportive, but they aren't necessarily ready to see their parent(s) as regular, vulnerable human beings.

If parents divorce when the children are young, their parenting plans tend to focus on the day-to-day task of raising and caring for the children. Since older children need less structured care, parents may not think they need a parenting plan. But divorcing parents of older children have plenty of details to attend to, as well.

For example, how will you handle high school and college graduations? Will you be able to handle weddings without drama? Can you behave congenially for the grandchildren's special occasions?

It takes finesse to navigate these waters. Don't wade in there without a plan, just because your children are older.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

I'm Going on Vacation!

2008-06-17T15:02:00.001-06:00

It's time for me to pack up and go on vacation for a couple of weeks. Hooray! I will be back with more mediation and parenting ideas and thoughts the beginning of July.

Remember to think of the kids first. Happy parenting!

Mary

Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Extended Parenting Time after Divorce – It's Not Just for Summer

2008-06-13T14:58:00.002-06:00

There are many benefits to scheduling extended parenting times. Spending time together without the interruptions of work, school, or time with the other parent allows everyone to take a break from the normal routine. During these times, both parents and children get to see each other in a different light and learn more about each other. For the parent who usually has shorter visits, it's an opportunity to deepen your relationship with your children and to have more quality time in between the awkward transitions at the beginning and end of each visit.

Extended parenting time does not have to be limited to summer. The children's school calendar offers several opportunities to schedule extended parenting time for each parent, but many parenting plans don't take advantage of them.

During Winter break, for example, instead of one parent having the children on Christmas Eve, the other on Christmas Day, and the same for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, consider splitting the school break between you. One parent has the children for the first half of Winter break, including Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and the other has the children for the second half of Winter break, including New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Although not having the children with you for the special winter holidays might be difficult at first, you will probably come to appreciate having this extended time mid-year.

And, don't forget Spring break. Instead of splitting Spring break between you each year, try one of you having the children for the entire Spring break in odd numbered years, and the other having the children in even numbered years?

If you rethink holidays and school breaks to provide these opportunities for additional extended parenting time, you can even schedule regular visits with family or friends well in advance without having to work around the other parent's parenting time.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Helping Children Keep Up with Family and Friends after Divorce

2008-06-11T10:13:00.001-06:00

You want the children to have strong relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and family friends. With all of the changes children experience during divorce, maintaining meaningful relationships with relatives and friends helps them feel secure in the things that haven't changed. But keeping up with these relationships after separation or divorce can be tricky.

How do you fit family occasions, neighborhood barbecues and other special events into the confines of your parenting plan?

The best way to make sure that your children can benefit from continued contact and involvement with family and friends is to maintain a good relationship as parents. When you have a good rapport, each of you will be more likely to be flexible enough to deviate from the parenting plan occasionally so that your children can participate in special visits either at home or out of town.

Whether or not you and your ex have a good relationship, try to schedule these events during your parenting time. But when you can't, ask for a change and then be prepared to extend the same courtesy when the shoe is on the other foot.

Before trying to rearrange the parenting schedule to allow time with relatives or for a special occasion, it's a good idea to talk to your children. First of all, you want to make sure this is important to the kids before you go stirring up the parenting pot over trying to trade parenting times. These disputes can cause so much damage in families where conflict is still high.

Secondly, be honest with them about the possibility that things might not work out if you can't come to an agreement with the other parent. Be clear about both of these things. That way, if your request triggers an argument with your ex, you can simply walk away and save your energy for things that are really important to the children.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Parenting After Divorce - Planning for Summer

2008-06-06T14:18:00.002-06:00

Everyone looks forward to summer and doing special activities with the children, whether it's a one week vacation or a series of short outings. But summer can be challenging for divorced and separated families.

Most parenting plans have separate schedules for the regular school year and the summertime. For some, the summer parenting time might be divided more equally than during the school year. For others, the children will still stay mostly with one parent, but the other parent may have one more periods of extended parenting time.

Consider these key questions when you're creating your summer parenting schedule:

• Does the summer schedule run from the last day of school until the day school starts again, or will there be a transition period at the beginning and end of the summer break?
• Will the exchange times and place be different during the summer?
• How will you determine each parent's extended time?
• Will the summer schedule be the same every year?
• Will the same parent always get first choice for their extended parenting time, or will you rotate every other year?
• How will you resolve disputes over proposed extended parenting times?
• If there is more than one extended period for each parent, how much time will there be between periods?

How you answer these questions is not as important as getting clear on these details when creating or modifying your parenting plan. It is far easier to move from a detailed plan to a more flexible plan than the other way around.

Just like parents, children look forward to spending their summer vacation with each parent. However, that joy is often obscured when parents bicker each year over the extended time schedule. What should be a joyful and carefree time can become stressful and tense for everyone. To help keep these times as stress-free as possible, take the time to craft a summer parenting plan.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

What's On Your Mind?

2008-05-30T15:36:00.002-06:00

I just got back from an out of town meeting and my brain hasn't quite kicked back into gear yet. As I sat down to write this blog post I realized that I wasn't yet ready to dig into one of the many things that are on my mind about divorce, parenting, conflict, mediation, parenting coordination, decision-making, or arbitration.

What I'd really like is to hear from you to find out what kind of post you would find most helpful. Please leave a comment and let me know what topics you'd like to see me address, or questions you'd like to have answered.

Let's make this space truly interactive. I want to hear from you!

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Divorce - Your Anger Is Hurting You

2008-05-27T10:00:00.000-06:00

The anger generated by the separation or divorce process can be so intense and destructive that it makes Hurricane Katrina look like a gentle breeze. The swath of devastation in the path of such anger is hard to fathom and even harder to recover from.

But I'm not talking about the damage to the other person caused by your anger; I'm talking about the damage your anger is causing you.

In the divorce proceedings, your anger can lead you to make decisions that actually cost you more. As you're lashing out in anger and trying to make decisions that will hurt your ex, you might not be thinking rationally enough to fully consider how they will affect you.

When you let your anger get the best of you in court, you can come across as combative, rude and unpleasant. You might even antagonize the judge to the point that he or she will decide against you.

In your other relationships, your once strong allies can become wary and less sympathetic, tired of hearing you go on and on about your latest plan to get even with your ex. Your anger may seep out at work, damaging your productivity and reputation and threatening your job security or capacity for promotion.

And on a much more personal level, uncontrollable anger can disrupt your sleep or your appetite, and can even lead to serious health problems and life-threatening heart disease.

I doubt if any of this is what you intended when you allowed your anger with your ex to linger long after the initial impact of the separation or divorce.

If you find that you are having a hard time letting go of your anger towards your ex, it's time to get a handle on it. Talk to a trusted friend or family member, research online or at the library, or talk to your doctor or therapist about the resources that are available.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Whose Issue is it? How new partners affect the co-parenting process after a divorce

2008-05-23T10:00:00.000-06:00

Once some time has passed, I am often asked to meet with parents and their new partners, to make changes to the parenting plan created during the original divorce proceedings. Some want to change the parenting schedule, and some want to increase or decrease the support payments.

It's not unusual for the new partner to have a great deal to say about the parenting plan and child support. Unfortunately, it's also not unusual for the actual parent to take a back seat and let their new partner drive the process.

In fact, after years of these meetings as a lawyer, I came to recognize that the actual parent was often not nearly as interested in the issue as the new partner. At some point, usually after the case was well underway, I would have occasion to meet privately with the actual parent and would learn that s/he did not really want parenting time or child support to be changed, but was requesting the modification to appease the new partner.

After seeing this pattern repeated so many times, I began to limit new partners' participation in such cases. I would not allow the new partner to be present at meetings with the actual parent and would direct all communications only to the actual parent. By meeting only with the parent, I found that fewer of these cases actually got filed and those that did went much more smoothly and settled much more quickly.

Now, as a mediator and parenting coordinator, I continue to see this pattern of the new partner being more invested in the parenting conflict than the actual parent. Even in parenting coordination, it is important to separate the new partner out of the conflict, at least initially.

Including the new partner later on, though, can provide information essential to understanding the on-going conflict. This new partnership is just one more layer of complexity that can prevent parents from putting their children's needs ahead of their own.

For your children's sake, take a step back and consider whose issue is really on the table, and if the changes you're proposing are really best for your children. The answer might surprise you.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Parenting After Divorce - Let Your Children Know You'll be Okay When They're Away

2008-05-20T13:50:00.001-06:00

The children are going to be spending time with their other parent. How do you feel? You might expect or hope it will feel like a vacation, but it's more likely you'll experience feelings of loss, fear and sadness.

Do you think your children are too self-absorbed to notice how shared parenting visits affect you? Children are keen observers; they worry when their parents are unhappy and feel responsible to make them feel better. How you handle this situation will greatly influence how they deal with it.

Even though it might be very hard for you to send the kids off to spend time with their other parent, find ways to reassure them that you'll be okay while they are away.

Your natural inclination might be to get very clingy with the children before they go and tell them over and over how much you will miss them. Instead, talk to them about what you plan to do with the time they're with the other parent. Maybe you'll catch up on some reading, go to a movie with friends, take a class you've wanted to take, or get some extra work done.

This is one more new routine that you all need to get used to. One of the biggest gifts you can give your children before they spend time with their other parent is to show them you'll be ok. This puts them at ease and gives them the confidence to enjoy their time away without worrying about you.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Make a Date to Mediate - Review Your Parenting Plan Regularly After a Divorce

2008-05-16T11:38:00.002-06:00

Whether your parenting plan resulted from a court order after a hard-fought battle or an amicable agreement, creating the initial plan is only the first step. There's more work to come. Often, what seemed like a great idea when you were working on the initial parenting plan has proven to be unworkable in practice.

Perhaps you thought it would be more stable for the children to spend most of their time with one parent. But then you realized how unhappy the children were about their limited time with the other parent. Or you committed to a plan that gave you lots of time with the children, but now you find that it's too difficult for you to coordinate your scheduled visits with your work time. Maybe work or school schedules have changed, making the original plan impractical or impossible.

One thing is certain. All of your lives are different now than they were even six months or a year ago. The children have gotten older. The initial chaos of the divorce has resolved, to one degree or another, for all of you.

Situations change, people change, why not parenting plans? It's only reasonable to think that your parenting plan will need to be modified occasionally to adapt to changes in your lives.

The good news is that you can get together with a mediator any time to review your parenting plan and make any make any necessary adjustments. And you can do it outside of court.

But don't wait until there's a problem! Set up regular meetings – quarterly, every six months, once a year, or whatever works for you.

Make a date to mediate! Do it for yourselves; do it for your children.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Parenting Time Transitions - Prepare for the Ride

2008-05-13T13:43:00.002-06:00

After a divorce, children will go from one parent's home to the other, according to the parenting plan you've agreed upon. Similar to when you plan a vacation, you have high expectations for how much fun you will have with the kids when you're together. You start looking forward to your parenting time well in advance of the schedule, and play out in your mind how wonderful it will be.

The kids also anticipate the parenting time, but often with mixed feelings. On the one hand, they will be spending time with you, which they love. On the other hand, they will be leaving familiar things, routines and their other parent behind.

It is not at all uncommon for you and the children to experience a period of awkwardness at the beginning of parenting time, regardless of how much you're looking forward to it. It's as if everyone has to get their bearings and become familiar with each other all over again.

For all of you, there might be some initial silence or grouchiness. I know it's hard, but try not to read too much into these early moods. It's often just a way of adjusting, even to something good. Depending on your parenting schedule and your relationship with the other parent, this transition can last from a few minutes to several hours.

As the parent, you can help in the transition by allowing the children some time to adjust from one home to the other before pushing them to join in with easy conversation and laughter. It's also important to allow yourself some time to adjust from the thought of having the children with you to actually having the children with you.

Be prepared, also, for another transition at the end of parenting time. Again, this can last from a few minutes to several hours. Everyone is feeling a little sad and let-down that your time together is almost over, and a natural protection against the coming sadness is to pull away a bit.

These transitions aren't unique to parenting after divorce. When my kids were in college and came home for vacations, there was some awkwardness at the beginning as we would get used to each other again. Then, soon after they arrived, I would start anticipating their having to leave, even if they were going to be home for several weeks. There was a part of me that didn't fully enjoy their time at home because I knew I would feel sad and lonesome when they left again. By the same token, I could sense them pulling back the closer it got to time for them to leave.

So before you agree to two- or three-day visits in your parenting plan, consider that with these transition periods at the beginning and the end of parenting time, each of which can last several hours, your three or four days together is effectively reduced to one or two days of quality time. You may want to think about longer visits, so you can maximize the quality time in between transitions.

You can make the most of any parenting time by accepting and preparing for these up's and down's, and making the most of the time that you do have together.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Family Dinners after Divorce

2008-05-06T15:49:00.001-06:00

Divorce can be such a difficult time for everyone, especially children. It's confusing for children to transition from having easy access to both parents to rarely seeing them in the same place at the same time.

Scheduling family dinners on a regular basis after the separation or divorce can ease the confusion for children. My ex and I did this when we got divorced over 20 years ago and the kids have actually thanked us many times since for making the effort.

We actually started the family dinners as a way to ease the kids (and maybe us) into the separation, but they continued long after we had moved on and into new relationships. Every Thursday, my ex would pick up groceries and come over after work for dinner. Even as the kids got older and more involved socially, they rarely skipped the Thursday family dinners.

The great thing about the family dinners was that they allowed the kids to feel connected as a family even though we were no longer living together. They also diminished the conflict they felt when their dad and I moved into new relationships. They could see that we were okay with the new situation so they felt more comfortable with it. They knew that there was no need for them to guard what they said to each of us because they could see that we were open with each other.

In addition to the weekly family dinners, we also spent holidays, the children's birthdays, and special occasions together (along with our new significant others).

Parental team work is especially important as children move through their teenage years. When our children were teens, their dad and I drew on the good working relationship that we maintained through our family dinners and special occasions. We were able to present a united front for the children and guide them through challenging issues as they arose.

My children are now grown, with families of their own. The interesting thing is that I've recently learned that those family dinners so many years ago were not only good for our children, but made a positive impression on their friends, some of whom are now facing their own divorces. Having seen the family dinner work so well for our family, they want to follow a similar path.

Try it in your family!

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Fathers, Don't Wait Until Divorce to Get Involved With Your Children

2008-05-02T16:18:00.002-06:00

Recently, I heard a similar comment from two different fathers. One dad was talking about issues that have come up with his children since his divorce a few years ago; the other was talking about parenting issues with his pending divorce.

Both of these fathers saw divorce as an opportunity to spend more time with their children, not less. After all of my years working with families during and after divorce, this didn't surprise me one bit, though I'd never heard a father actually say it.

What these two fathers were talking about was quality time. Because even though the actual number of hours and minutes in the same house with the children was less than before separation, it meant much, much more.

After reflecting on the idea that separation and divorce could actually enhance a father's relationship with the children, I began to realize how many fathers feel unequipped to parent.

It's only natural; Moms tend to spend lots more time caring for the children when they are babies. In addition, Mom often stays home with the children, even if it's just maternity leave from her job, while Dad goes back to work after just a few days.

I think everybody just gets in the habit of Mom being the caretaker and Dad being more of an observer than a participant. The habit, then, is reinforced when Mom won't say she needs or wants help. When Dad does try to do some of the child-rearing, his initial attempts can be clumsy and unwelcome by Mom.

Consequently, many mothers complain about fathers who are totally uninterested in doing anything with the children. At the same time, fathers often feel like they are prevented from fully participating in their children's care because Mom does it all or doesn't like the way they do it.

Unfortunately, by the time the family faces divorce, fathers often end up with less parenting time based upon their lack of involvement with the children during the marriage.

It's no wonder that some fathers feel they are actually spending more time with their children after separation than they were before. The time they now have with the children is unhampered by Mom's tendency to do everything. Instead of feeling like they're in the way, dads can use their parenting time to become fully involved and present with their children.

Dads, don't wait to be asked! Get involved in your children's care now. Moms, if you see Dad trying to help, let him. While it might be tricky at first to work out the differences between your styles, the whole family will benefit.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Display your children's photos during divorce settlement work

2008-04-29T10:44:00.002-06:00

Whether you are working with an attorney, a mediator, or on your own, a divorce settlement can be an emotional and overwhelming experience. It's easy to get so caught up in how the details of a settlement will affect you, that you forget about how they will affect your children.

An easy way to assure that your children remain the main focus of all your divorce work is to bring photos of the children to your discussions. Find photos that show the children with each of the parents; photos that show them laughing or playing. When you get bogged down or frustrated with the small details of an agreement, it can help to take time out to look at these photos and refocus.

It is especially important to keep your children in mind when working on the parenting plan. When you're thinking about where the children will live and how much time they will spend with each parent, look at the photos and think about how these decisions will affect the children. If you are working together amicably, the photos will help you keep that up. If you are arguing over something, looking at the photos will help you keep the issues in perspective.

Having photos of your children at the table also helps you to hear yourself though their ears. Would you say what you're saying if your children were in the room? If not, it's time to make an adjustment.

When you're working on your divorce settlement and parenting plan, remember that your children love both of you. Use photos of the children to honor that love throughout this difficult process.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Nothing Says "I Love You" Like Paying Child Support

2008-04-22T13:38:00.002-06:00

After a divorce, separation or paternity test, you may find yourself under an order to pay child support. Throughout the process so far, you've likely been focused on the numbers – how much will you have to pay?

But will making (or not making) your child support payments affect your relationship with your children? You'd better believe it will!

How will they know?

Don't assume that your children won't know if you're making your child support payments, regardless of whether the other parent is telling them.

Because divorce is so prevalent these days, children have become fairly sophisticated about divorce-related issues. The topic of divorce comes up between friends on the playground and in lunch-room conversations.

And because it's something that has deeply affected their lives, children automatically tune into conversations about divorce and child support, even when adults are having private conversations with friends and don't realize they are being overheard.

If you mail your child support payment, children learn to recognize whether that special envelope is in the mail. If you send your child support with the children after parenting time, they'll know if it's there or not.

What will they think?

During and after divorce, children are constantly looking for clues and information about what the divorce means for their relationship with their parents. Conscious or unconscious, right or wrong, reasonable or not, children WILL make a connection between your child support payments and your love.

Do you really want to take the chance that your children will decide that you no longer love them? Pay your support. In addition to the legal consequences, not paying might send the message that money is more important to you than your children are. That is a consequence that will be difficult to overcome.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Managing Conflict in Divorce - It Takes Two to Tango

2008-04-15T13:11:00.002-06:00

Divorce is never a happy time, but anger and conflict can heighten the pain and stress even further. I've never had a couple come into my office saying that they are looking for ways to make the divorce as unfriendly and painful as possible. On the contrary, couples come in saying that they want the divorce to be amicable and anger free.

How, then, do couples get locked into conflict that prevents them from achieving their goal of a harmonious divorce? How do they perpetuate that conflict, even while wishing it would go away?

Conflict cannot happen in a vacuum. When one person gets angry and acts out, it only turns into conflict if the other person reacts. That reaction provides the necessary fuel for the anger to thrive and grow. If the other person does not react to the anger or behavior, it will eventually die from starvation.

Stepping away and not reacting to someone else's anger can be really hard. But if you truly want the conflict to stop, one of you has to start the stopping. It might as well be you!

So take control of the situation. If the other person calls you names or accuses you of something, your natural reaction is to defend yourself or call names and accuse in return. Don't! When you really think about it, what does that accomplish? That will only fuel the conflict.

Instead, just take a deep breath, say nothing for a minute and then proceed with what you were saying to begin with. If you need to, walk away – calmly and quietly.

In some ways, conflict is a replacement for the intimacy the two of you used to share. That might seem perverse to you, but it's only natural that one or both of you wants to keep an emotional connection between you. And conflict is a connection, however negative. When viewed in this way, you can see that the conflict is a kind of game people play. When one of you provokes the other (be honest, sometimes it's you) that person is trying to light a spark between the two of you. When the other person reacts, the spark is lit and the game is afoot.

It's time to break the negative connection between you and build a pattern of interaction that reflects your separateness from each other. All it takes is for one of you to stop reacting.

NOTE: Domestic violence is NOT a game. This article does not relate to conflict where domestic violence is or has been involved. Please consult legal and/or mental health specialists immediately if violence or abuse is threatened or occurring.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Shared Parenting After Divorce- Are Your Questions Showing More Than Just Interest?

2008-04-08T10:48:00.002-06:00

Taking an interest in your children and how they are adapting to the divorce is a good thing. That is, until your interest becomes invasive and intrudes upon the children's relationship with the other parent.

In almost every case, children love both of their parents. They would like to be able to spend quality time with each parent without feeling that they were somehow being disloyal to the other parent. Even though they might prefer that their parents would get back together, most children eventually adapt to having two separate houses.

Asking children about their time with the other parent with questions like, "how was your time with your mother/father?" and "what did you guys do?" shows your children your genuine interest, much like you would ask, "how was your day?" and "what did you do in school?"

These kinds of questions allow the children to make an easy transition from one home to the other and also allow parents to gauge how the children are dealing with the divorce or separation.

But, there is a fine line that divides common interest from interrogation. Questions like, "what did you watch on TV?", "what time did you go to bed?", "what did you have for breakfast?", and "what did your mother/father do while you were there?" are interrogation.

Children who are consistently interrogated by one or both parents receive a message that they need to comfort and support the interrogating parent by reporting on the other parent.

It's destructive enough when one parent is doing this, but when both parents are, the children have no home in which they can feel relaxed and secure. They have no place where they feel loved just for themselves and not for their loyalty.

It's natural to be curious about what life is like at the other parent's house. It's also natural to have concerns from time to time about the shared parenting plan.

Rather than peppering the children with questions, though, set up regular meetings with the other parent, alone or with a mediator or parenting coordinator, to address any concerns or curiosity you might have.

Your children will thank you for not putting them in the middle.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, http://www.cofamilysolutions.com

The New Person in Your Life - Part Two: Introducing Your Children

2008-03-28T17:05:00.006-06:00

When you're going through a divorce, how and when do you introduce your children to the new romantic interest in your life? This can be tricky and requires a bit of finesse.

What your children are feeling

The less time that has passed since your children learned of the divorce, the more resistant they will be to the idea of you having a new person in your life.

Right now, they are looking for reassurance that you love them and will not abandon them. Any potential threat to the time, attention and love you have available for them will be very unwelcome.

They are already suffering the trauma of the changes in their lives brought on by the divorce, so they are already predisposed to see things more as negatives than as positives. They're also very self-absorbed right now, and simply aren't willing or able to think about your happiness. They're feeling pretty unhappy, and in their minds you should be, too.

Consider your children's feelings and just how important it is that you tell the children about your new relationship right now. Can't it wait? If not, be prepared for a rocky road ahead.

Settle into your new routine

Allow yourself and your children some time to adjust to your new routine together without your spouse OR your new romantic interest. Not only will this give the children the comfort of deepening their relationship with you in this new life, it will give you time to explore and deepen your relationship with the new person in your life.

Introducing the new person to your children

As you move further away from the divorce, create a plan for introducing a new person to the children, preferably over time.

However you decide to do it, they will have questions. They will want to know how you met, when you met, whether mom/dad knows and whether you are going to get married. Answer their questions as openly and honestly as you can, even if they don't necessarily like the answers.

If you met before the divorce, tell them. If they want to know why you never said anything, it's okay to tell them you wanted all of you to have a chance to adjust before bringing someone new into their lives.

It takes time for bonds to form and love or friendship to grow. Children deserve to be allowed that time. You can show your children that you respect them by not forcing them to unconditionally accept someone new into their lives or to share your feelings for this new person immediately.

Put some thought into when and how you will introduce the new person in your life to your children. It could save you all from unnecessary trauma and heartache.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

The New Person in Your Life - Part One

2008-03-19T13:29:00.003-06:00

Are you delirious with joy because of the new person in your life? Joy is wonderful, there's no doubt about it. The only problem is that you're still married. Now what?

In my years as a divorce attorney, I saw countless problems occur when new relationships started before the old ones were formally dissolved. So before you change your whole life to follow the joy, slow down a bit and consider:

You take yourself with you

The common thread to every one of your relationships is YOU. Thinking back, have your relationships always left you unhappy or dissatisfied, eventually? Can you really be sure that was because of the other person?

You might leave one relationship for another, but you will always take yourself with you. You owe it to yourself to take the time now to think honestly about your role in the breakdown of your past relationships, including your relationship with your spouse.

Confusing lust for love

You can't remember ever feeling happier, and you can't imagine not loving this new person forever. But do you genuinely love them, or are you really in lust? New relationships often prompt feelings of love and infatuation. This is how nature intended it, to ensure continuation of the species. Without these feelings, it is unlikely you would even consider leaving your marriage to follow your joy.

Think back to the beginning of your relationship with your spouse. What brought you together in the first place? Chances are s/he inspired the same intense feelings of lust and "love" that you have now for this new person. What you thought you had then was the same long-term, love-you-warts-and-all kind of love. Were you wrong then? Are you wrong now?

Is what you're feeling really love, or is it this hormone-fueled lust? Taking the time now to figure out if you are truly compatible with the new person in your life might save you from heartache and frustration later.

The new and exciting eventually becomes the old and routine

If your initial infatuation/lust evolves into a deep and enduring love, then the old and routine can be wonderfully comforting. On the other hand, if the infatuation/lust has has nothing to replace it, the old and routine is just plain irritating.

Unfortunately, it may not be until you get to this point that you realize you mistook lust for love. And by then, there may be issues of commitment, emotions, children and property to consider.

Take time now for an honest self-appraisal of your relationship patterns, and try to see your new relationship for exactly what it is.

Follow these links for more information on the difference between lust and love and the importance of relationship compatibility .

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Divorce Mediation Do's and Don'ts - Don't Scuttle the Ship Before You Set Sail

2008-03-14T15:00:00.002-06:00

So, you have decided you want to use mediation to settle your divorce or separation. But if you're not careful, you could still end up in court. If you want to approach your divorce or separation amicably and avoid lawyers and court, here's a list of some do's and don'ts:

DO:

• Make a list of your assets with corresponding values, including real estate, bank accounts, vehicles, investments, and retirement accounts.
• Make a list of your debts with corresponding balances and monthly payments.
• Make a list of monthly expenses for each of you, not only now, but your anticipated expenses after separation.
• Think about your needs regarding property/debt settlement.
• Think about spousal support and, if it's an issue, what resources might be available to pay it.
• Think about what kind of parenting plan might work best for your children in terms of making decisions, regular parenting time, holidays, extended parenting time for vacations, and support.
• Be courteous and open-minded, prepared to discuss and listen to possibilities.
• Come prepared to be creative and flexible.
• Take a break or request a private meeting with the mediator if you start to feel frustrated or angry.

DON'T:

• Come to mediation with absolute positions or a bottom line stance.
• Hide or act like you're hiding information.
• Refuse to consider ideas or information from the other person or mediator.
• Be rude or abusive.
• Agree to something you don't understand.
• Agree to something you don't really want to and then complain to others that you got a bad deal.
• Lean too heavily on the other person to sign an agreement if they don't feel right about it, even if it seems fair and reasonable to you.

Minding these do's and don’ts can keep you far away from lawyers and court, but ignoring them could send the other person straight for them!

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Parenting after Divorce - Keep Your Eye on the Big Picture

2008-03-07T16:41:00.001-07:00

When you're in the middle of a separation or divorce, it is so easy to get caught up in today and lose sight of the bigger picture.

Your parenting plan may end when the kids turn 18, but your parenting duties do not. In fact, your parenting time after the kids are 18 is much, much longer than your parenting time before they are 18. My father lived to be 92 and he advised, guided and worried about me until the day he died. He was definitely still parenting me!

The bonds you create with your children when they are young depend far more on the quality of your parenting than on the quantity of your parenting time. Even very young children know who they can count on for guidance and structure.

When parenting time is limited, many parents tend to follow one of two paths. On one path, the parent allows his/her house to become the party place with no rules. The kids watch movies they wouldn't be allowed to watch with the other parent, stay up late, and do limited or no homework.

On the other path, the parent tries to assert him/herself as a parent by imposing stricter rules than the children have with the other parent and keeping the children from doing anything during the parenting time other than spending time with him/her.

Neither of these approaches works well to establish a lasting parenting relationship with your children. As children face the new responsibilities of college, work, and families of their own, they are looking for help in navigating their new world. For this they most often turn to the parent who provided guidance while they were younger. Unfortunately, this usually wasn't either the "party" parent or the strict and controlling parent.

Even with limited parenting time, you can be a stable, guiding force for your minor children. You can use your time with them to talk, play, and establish routines just for their home with you. If you can do this, you will have established yourself with them as someone they can trust with their future.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Parenting Plan: Who Will Make the Decisions?

2008-03-04T15:27:00.002-07:00

After a divorce, day-to-day decisions about your child(ren) will generally be made by whichever parent the children are with at the time. But what will you do about major decisions, things like education, non-emergency medical care, religious training, and extra-curricular or recreational activities?

When preparing your parenting plan, you will need to think about these things.

This is an area where many people get stuck in the win/lose mindset associated with the custody battles divorcing couples used to go through. For some parents, this win/lose mindset has been embedded in their view of divorce from hearing stories about divorce from family and friends. The starting position for a parent with this mindset is that s/he should make all of the child-related decisions alone, with no input from the other parent.

Having moved away from the custody model and towards a model of shared parenting, however, the courts and many parents are taking the position that the parents should make major child-related decisions jointly. They see the benefit to the children when the parents are able to work together.

Just as it is important to pick your battles with children, it is important to pick your "battles" in settling your divorce. So, let's take a closer look at what these decisions really entail.

Educational decisions mostly involve where the children will go to school, whether it will be public or private school, or whether and what kind of special education programs are necessary. When you think about it, these decisions are rarely a point of contention. For the most part, children go to school in their neighborhood or community; private school is not always an option because of finances; and special education decisions generally follow the recommendations of experts.

Non-emergency medical decisions involve things like whether a child should have ear tubes put in or tonsils removed; have a cosmetic procedure; or whether s/he will wear glasses or contacts. In a true medical emergency, of course either parent may authorize treatment alone.

Decisions regarding religious training can be dicey if both parents have strong and opposing feelings on the subject. Is it possible to accommodate both parents' feelings on the issue? Is it possible for the children to observe and train in both religions?

Because extra-curricular and recreational activities usually cost money, these decisions are sometimes the most difficult for parents to make jointly. On the other hand, because these activities are most likely to cut across parenting time lines, it is really helpful when parents can make these decisions together.

Whether you'll make some or all of these major decisions jointly, it is always a good idea to include a provision in your parenting plan for resolving the disputes that are bound to arise from time to time.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Keeping Up Communication with Your Children after Divorce

2008-02-27T14:43:00.002-07:00

Both you and your children can feel out of touch when you no longer see each other every day. The good news is that communicating with your children after a divorce or separation is easier than ever.

Only a few years ago, when your children were with their other parent your communication options were limited to the telephone. Long-distance rates, time zones and other challenges felt like a barrier between you.

Today, those barriers have come down and there is a multitude of ways that you and your children can connect every day, even if you're across the country from each other.

To make the most of these services, you'll each need a computer with a broadband connection.

With Skype and a headset, you and your children can talk via the computer. Add a webcam and you can see each other while you talk. There is no charge to create a Skype account and download the Skype software. Once you and your children both have Skype accounts, communicating through Skype is free.

These webcam calls work very well for younger children who like frequent contact even if it's very brief. You can also use your webcam to record yourself reading or telling a story, and your children can play it whenever they want.

With Mobivox, you can use any phone to call outside of your local area without connecting through a computer and without incurring long distance charges.

You can also try instant messaging (IM). Instant messaging is like email; except you're connected in real-time, watching new messages appear immediately. Yahoo, MSN, AOL, and Google all have IM services, or search the Internet for another service that suits you. IM is a great way to touch base for quick conversations.

Even email has become more powerful than it used to be. With digital cameras, you and your children can share pictures and videos. With a scanner, you'll be able to check out their latest art project or the program for their school play, not to mention that homework they need help with.

With all of these options, remember to set up rules and conditions for these new forms of communication, so that they're not invasive or distracting to the other household.

Parents, it's time to be creative. Explore these new ways to communicate with your children when you're apart.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Separation and Divorce - Have You Told Your Spouse Yet?

2008-02-25T16:15:00.003-07:00

In an earlier post, I talked about telling your children about your decision to separate or divorce. But, even more importantly, have you told your spouse yet? This question is not as silly as you might think.

I've heard from many people over the years who had already decided to move out of the house or file for divorce, but had not said one word about that decision to their spouse.

For the most part, people stay silent because they just don't want to have the uncomfortable conversation that they know lies ahead. Consciously or unconsciously, they might be trying to avoid the other person's anger or hurt.

By keeping your spouse in the dark about your decision, you're just delaying the inevitable. You won't avoid an uncomfortable conversation, and you won't avoid your spouse's anger or hurt. Actually, the conversation will likely be more uncomfortable the longer you wait.

If you have been waiting to tell your spouse, be as sensitive as you can when you finally do. After all, you may have been thinking about this for awhile already, maybe even for months. You might have been gathering information, preparing yourself and making plans. Your spouse, on the other hand, will just be starting to deal with this life-changing news.

Give him or her some time. Don't jump into discussions about property, support, and children. Just as it took you time to make peace with your decision to separate or divorce, it will take your spouse time to adjust to the idea and be able to sort through overwhelming emotions before talking about settlement.

Talking to your spouse early about the possibility of separation or divorce can help you to stay out of court and reach agreements on your own or through mediation.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Right of First Refusal on Parenting Time

2008-02-21T10:19:00.001-07:00

It is not uncommon for parents to put into their parenting plan that each parent has the right to have the children with him/her whenever the other parent is unable to. This is often referred to as the right of first refusal on parenting time.

A parenting agreement might say that if either parent requires a babysitter or daycare for longer than a few hours during that parent’s parenting time, the other parent will be given the first opportunity to provide the care, rather than an outsider or other family member.

When the parents have a reasonably good relationship, this kind of arrangement can work very well. The children get the benefit of maximum time with each parent and begin to feel like they have two homes, not just one home and another place they visit from time to time.

An excellent example of this is if two divorced parents happen to have opposing work schedules. Instead of placing the child in daycare, the other parent can take over.

When the parents’ relationship is marked by conflict and anger, though, the right of first refusal on parenting time can lead to more hostilities, especially when it's invoked for situations like an occasional night out, business trip, or vacation. It can lead to intrusive questions about where the other parent is going, who s/he will be with, and what s/he will be doing. This kind of questioning is damaging to the children and benefits no one.

Further problems come up if either parent remarries. The law is unclear in these cases whether the right of first refusal gets triggered when the parent is gone but the step-parent is available.

This happened in a recent Colorado case. The parents in the case had a right of first refusal agreement in their parenting plan. Not wanting the children's bond with their step-family to be disrupted while he was deployed to Iraq, Dad requested that the original parenting plan be modified to allow the children stay with his wife, their step-mother, during his regularly scheduled parenting time. The court agreed and disregarded the right of first refusal in the original parenting plan. The case is still in the appeal process so the issue is not completely settled.

If you’re thinking about including a right of first refusal on parenting time, make sure it is really in the children's best interests and won't cause more problems than it is solving.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

The Parenting Coordinator and Decision-Maker: A Brief Primer about How These Professionals Help Parents Work Together After Divorce

2008-02-19T13:17:00.002-07:00

Whether you created your own parenting plan or the court devised one for you, you might find that you need help from time to time resolving disputes about how to interpret something in the plan or how to put it into action. These disputes can cause so much conflict between parents that your children suffer. A parenting coordinator and decision-maker can help. The goal of using a parenting coordinator/decision-maker is to reduce the risk of harm to the children by helping parents to work through disputes as they arise.

Parenting Coordinator - Under Colorado law, the court is authorized to appoint a parenting coordinator, either at your request or upon finding that you have been unable to implement the parenting plan, mediation has either failed or is not appropriate, and/or the appointment is in the best interests of your children.

The parenting coordinator works with you to help you reduce conflict with the other parent by communicating more effectively and more positively with each other. The parenting coordinator might also help you identify the sources and causes of conflict between you, and develop approaches to parenting that will minimize conflict.

Decision-Maker - For additional help in implementing and clarifying the parenting plan, you can also agree to the appointment of a domestic relations decision-maker. In Colorado, the court cannot appoint a decision-maker unless the parties agree.

Once appointed, the decision-maker has the authority to make binding decisions to resolve disputes between the parties, including parenting time issues, specific parental decisions, and child support. The decision-maker CANNOT, however, make decisions that will result in a significant change in parenting time or parental responsibilities.

When the decision-maker issues a decision, you have the right to request that the court hold a de novo (new) hearing to modify the decision.

When both a parenting coordinator (PC) and decision-maker (DM) are agreed to, the roles are usually filled by the same person, the PC/DM. Often, after spending time working with the PC, parents are able to work through their conflict and agree upon a resolution to their dispute, making a decision by the DM unnecessary.

A parenting coordinator/domestic relations decision-maker can be an invaluable resource that you can use to resolve family issues outside of court, break the cycle of conflict and learn new communication skills that will improve your family's quality of life.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Whose Children Are They Anyway? They Belong To You BOTH, Even After Divorce

2008-02-14T15:04:00.002-07:00

As a mediator and parenting coordinator, I often see parents refer to the children as MY children, when discussing parenting time or YOUR children, when discussing discipline. "I am not going to have MY children out so late on a school night. They need to get ready for school the next day." Or, "YOUR children have become rude and foul-mouthed."

Sometimes these words are just used carelessly. More often than not, however, people really are trying to hurt the other parent or make him/her feel less involved or important. This often happens during the divorce proceedings when trying to agree upon a parenting plan.

But more disturbing is that some parents continue this choice of words long after the divorce is final. Wounds remain open and fester, ultimately affecting the children.

The reality is that you are BOTH the children's parents all the time, even after you are divorced or separated. Children deserve to have two actively involved parents even when they are living in different homes.

So watch your language, please. It is so easy to modify your speech or writing to refer to OUR children. Such a small change can make a huge difference for the children when both parents feel acknowledged and involved.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Child Support is Not a Bargaining Chip: The Mechanics of Child Support in Divorce Cases

2008-02-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

Many years ago, how much child support (if any) was to be paid was left entirely to the discretion of the court. There was very little rhyme or reason for child support awards and parents often bargained custody and property arrangements against child support.

In the late 1980's, the federal government enacted legislation that required all states to adopt child support guidelines that would allow divorcing parties and courts to apply a standard formula in creating child support agreements and awards. These formulas are based upon specific and ascertainable factors, and are consistent regardless of the judge or parties.

Each state's guideline is slightly different, but generally all of the guidelines apply a similar formula. Because the child support calculation can be very complicated, child support calculators are often used. An excellent resource for information about child support guidelines around the United States, including support calculators for several different states can be found at www.SupportGuidelines.com .

Generally, you cannot agree to a child support amount outside the guidelines. If you don't feel that the amount fits your individual circumstances, however, you can submit your reasons and ask the court to accept a different amount.

Child Support in Colorado

In Colorado, the child support formula begins with the combined gross income of both parents, and the number of children involved. Then, adjustments are made for expenses such as daycare and healthcare insurance premiums, and the total child support obligation is tallied.

Both parents are expected to contribute to the support of the children. Each parent pays an amount based on their percentage of the combined gross income. Additional calculations may be made, depending on how much parenting time (overnights) each parent has per year.

The Colorado State Judicial Website has provided an electronic child support calculator for anyone to use. The electronic child support calculator requires Microsoft Excel, but manual worksheets and instructions are provided for those who do not have Excel.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

The New Language Of Parenting After Divorce: Whatever Happened To "Custody" And "Visitation"?

2008-02-08T13:53:00.000-07:00

Around the world, the terms “custody” and “visitation” in divorce are gradually becoming things of the past. Colorado, for example, replaced “custody” with “parental responsibility” and visitation with “parenting time,” in the 1990's.

Where “custody” implies ownership and possession where children are concerned, “parental responsibility” recognizes that divorce does not diminish either parents’ rights and responsibilities.

Where “visitation” implies that the children belong to one parent and the other parent is allowed to visit them from time to time, “parenting time” recognizes the importance of each parent’s relationship and contact with the children.

During a divorce, parents can work together to reach agreements about parenting issues such as how decisions will be made regarding the children, and what kind of parenting time each parent will enjoy with the children (the parenting plan).

Some will do this on their own, and some will work with a mediator to help them put together a parenting plan. When parents are unable to craft a parenting plan for themselves, the court will do it for them.

It is the children’s interests, not the parents’ interests that guide the court, who will carefully consider the physical, mental, and emotional conditions and needs of the children.

The new language of parenting after divorce reflects a shift in thinking that encourages families to work together to find healthy, collaborative and peaceful ways to transition into their new phase of life.

Children can thrive, even through divorce, when parents understand how this new terminology helps put their children’s needs ahead of their own and encourage love, affection, and contact between the children and each parent.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Sometimes Children Just Want to Talk: Shared Parenting and Telephone Contact

2008-02-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

I had a family in my office the other day, and they described a problem I hear often in my role as a parenting coordinator. The two children, 8-year-old Timothy and his 10-year old sister Katie were with Dad for his parenting time.

Timothy wanted to call Mom and tell her about a prize he'd received at school. Dad was busy helping Katie with her homework, and told Timothy it wasn't a good time for him to call, because it was time for him to unload the dishwasher.

Timothy pouted and whined about not being able to call Mom. Dad got frustrated and angry, saying he didn't know why Timothy couldn't just wait to tell Mom when he went back to her house.

When Mom called later to say goodnight to the kids, Dad cut the call short by taking the phone and telling Mom to stop interfering with his parenting time. The situation escalated until Mom and Dad were yelling at each other and both kids were in tears.

Telephone issues are just another symptom of the ongoing conflict experienced by many couples who are sharing parenting duties after a divorce. Here are some tips to make telephone contact easier:

1) Limit phone calls between the kids and the "absent" parent to once a day.
2) Have all parties agree on an appropriate time that works for everyone.
3) A call in the morning or after school works well because it won't disrupt mealtimes, homework, or bedtime routines.
4) Let the children initiate the call to the "absent" parent; this might feel less intrusive to the other parent.

Taking the time to work out a solution in cases like these is a positive step for parents who are continually in conflict with each other. The next important step is to address the underlying sources of the conflict and find new ways of dealing with each other on a continuing basis. A parenting coordinator can help with this process.

Your children will thank you for the effort.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Getting a Separation or Divorce? Talk To Your Children

2008-02-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

So you and your spouse are separating or thinking about divorce. Have you told your children yet?

Parents do not separate or divorce on the spur of the moment. Weeks, months, or even years can go by while people move away from the relationship and toward separation and divorce. Many parents want to hide this whole process from their children until decisions have been made and plans firmed up. This is a mistake.

The fact is that children know when things are not right at home. While adults filter information, rationalize their actions and deny their feelings, children deal with the world around them much more directly. Separation and divorce is difficult for children of all ages, but will be much harder if the adults they rely on do not talk honestly with them.

Before one parent starts packing or moves out, tell the children what is going on, even if you don’t have all the details worked out yet. Although you and your husband/wife might be hurt and angry with one another, give your children the courtesy of talking with them together. The children need to know that neither of you is “divorcing” them.

But if you don’t know exactly what is going to happen, what do you tell the children? Tell them as much as you can about what you do know about your plans. Tell them as much as you can, without being hurtful or attributing blame, about why you have made this decision. Tell them as much as you can about the changes they can expect. And definitely tell them that they did not cause the separation or divorce.

Even though the words and depth of the discussion will differ slightly, you can use these guidelines regardless of the ages of the children. If you're stuck for what to say or how to say it, mediation can help you develop a plan.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Divorce and Custody Agreements: Don’t Ask Why, Ask How

2008-01-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

Often during divorce and custody settlements, people ask, “Why?”

• Why does s/he get to decide where the children will live and when I will get to see them?
• Why does s/he get to dictate how the assets will be divided?
• Why does s/he get to stay in the house?
• Why does s/he think s/he doesn’t need to provide support?
• Why…….?

The list of “why's” could go on and on. The problem with “why” questions is that they rarely help a couple/parents move toward resolving these questions.

In mediation, we move the focus away from “why” and onto “how” and “what”.

• How can the house be distributed to best meet the needs of the divided family?
• What does meaningful time with the children look like for each parent?
• How can the children’s time be spent with each parent in ways that will satisfy both the parents’ and the children’s needs?
• How can the assets and the debt be divided to best meet each party’s needs?
• What resources are available to meet the support needs of both parties?
• How can the available resources be used to meet everyone’s needs?

Remember that decisions regarding assets and debts, parenting, and support do not take place in a vacuum. While it's tempting to want to go through them like a checklist, in reality they are all connected and need to be approached with a broader perspective.

Use the mediation process to be creative! Together with the mediator, ask lots of “what” and “how” questions. Really think about your answers before backing yourself into a corner with a position that turns out not to be right for you or your family at all.

For example, parenting time (what used to be called "visitation") and the primary residence of the children are cornerstone decisions that will also affect housing and support issues. Challenge yourselves to think beyond the old formulas and start asking meaningful questions about these issues.

• What is best for the child(ren)?
• How can the parenting plan minimize the effects of divorce on the children?
• How can the parenting schedule minimize the time the child(ren) are in daycare?
• What do the children feel about parenting time and residence?
• How close do the parents live to each other?
• How can the parenting plan minimize the amount of time the children spend traveling from one parent to the other?
• How can the parenting plan put the children’s needs and feelings ahead of the parents’ needs?

Separation and parenting agreements are not a one-size-fits-all proposition. Let the questions “what” and “how” guide you to the solution that will work best for you. Mediation can help!

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Every Other Weekend Is Not The Only Answer For Divorcing Parents: How Mediation Can Create Parenting Plans That Really Work

2008-01-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

More and more parents are looking for ways to avoid lawyers and court when facing divorce or separation. And more and more, they are turning to mediation.

Mediation can help parents create successful parenting plans, even when the parents don’t seem to be getting along very well. The mediator is a neutral participant who works with the parents to help them keep their focus on the children and develop options they might not have thought of.

Many parents have preconceived notions about what a parenting plan should look like. They've seen examples on television, in the movies and in other families. One of the most common parenting plans that people perceive as "normal," is that the children are with one parent most of the time, and with the second parent every other weekend and a couple of weeks in the summer.

As well, parents often come to the table with the notion that one parent will "win" and one parent will "lose."

Both of these myths are outdated and untrue. Parenting plans can be as unique and creative as the people who come up with them, and they can be designed so that everybody wins.

Mediators will encourage parents to be creative and flexible. And each parent is given the opportunity to talk about what they would really like to see in a parenting plan and parenting schedule, to consider what the children might want or need from the parenting plan, to work out solutions that meet everyone's needs and desires, and to develop a plan that is unique to them.

There is no one parenting plan that works for all families all of the time. Allow the possibilities to grow!

© 2008, Mary Wollard, Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Are You Sharing Nicely When It Comes To The Children? Mediation Can Serve As A Reality Check For Your Parenting Plan

2008-01-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

Every parent has told their children many times that they have to be nice and share. To sweeten the job of sharing, parents may get each child involved, so that, for example, one child divides the pile of candy and the other child chooses first.

When parents are sharing children, it's just as important that the same niceties are observed, and that each parent is involved in creating a balanced parenting schedule. If the schedule favors one parent with significantly more time than the other, that second parent is much less likely to comply with the plan.

Mediation serves as a reality check for parents when they are working out the details of a parenting plan and parenting schedule. For example, from an objective perspective, a mediator may ask one parent if s/he would be willing to accept the schedule if the roles were reversed. If the answer is a resounding NO, the mediator can lead the parents into a discussion of how the schedule could be more balanced in the quantity and quality of the parenting time for both parents.

Shared balance in a parenting schedule does not necessarily mean equal time for each parent; it DOES mean adopting a schedule that allows the children to have the best of both parents. For example, if one parent is available while the other parent is working, an optimal shared schedule would place the children with that parent instead of in daycare.

Each parenting schedule can be as unique as the people using it, and the best ones are balanced, thoughtful and creative. The beauty of the mediation process is that it helps parents explore new possibilities and create a schedule that really works for the whole family.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

The Co-Parenting Golden Rule for Divorced Parents

2008-01-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

Exchanging the children is often the most stressful situation between divorced parents, and where a lot of "stuff" comes out. Because the children are obviously there as well, this can have a harmful effect on them and on your future as a family.

Gandhi wrote that we should, "be the change we want to see in the world." You can set the pace of your co-parenting relationship and treat the other person like you wish to be treated.

If you don't like it when s/he is early or late dropping off the kids, be on time when it's your turn. If you don't like it when s/he doesn't mention important details about the kids, make sure you share openly.

Chances are, even if you're not doing those things, there is something you're doing that s/he wishes you wouldn't. If your meetings are leaving either of you feeling upset or angry, talk about it. No one can read minds (at least not accurately).

With a genuine effort to make things run as smoothly as possible when you're exchanging your children, you're setting a positive example for them AND taking a proactive step towards creating the co-parenting relationship you want to have.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com

Welcome to 2008!

2008-01-02T15:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to 2008! Family Solutions Center, LLC is looking forward to an exciting and productive year. This blog is a new addition that will get underway in earnest about the middle of January. Look for new posts then.